Changing | SM

Part 20: yelling

Shawn:

People only start to listen, the day you're not around anymore. That's the sad, harsh, hard part of life.
People care, but only for themselves.

They find it much easier to break and take without getting or feeling the hurt themselves.

After dropping Adriana off at her place, I drove home.
Not to enter or do anything... I just took off again. Leaving the car in the driveway and I started running to my escape.
Panting hard as I reached the top of the lookout, feeling my heart pounding in my chest and I wish I could've just ripped it right out.

I wouldn't feel anything, no emotion, no pain. Life would be perfect if nobody had a heart. Dull stories and unexpressed emotions.

'Feelings' would be a word nobody knew the definition of.

"What did I do to deserve this! The heartache, pain and guilt over something I didn't do! Why does my family, friends, schoolmates and teachers despise me over who I am? Why did she change me in a way that I broke down! Why did she had to leave scars that will haunt me for my life, memories that can't be erased? Why!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

A hard thunderstruck hitting the ground, shaking the earth beneath my feat.
"Common! Is that all you got? After everything you send me thunder? I think I'm a bit tougher now, to handle something stronger." The rain came pouring down harshly, but I kept on screaming at the unknown.

"I broke every rule, every heart that was healed. I stole smiles and ruined lives. I created a dark world that only I can see. A book filled with lies to tell the souls I pass. Tell me world, are you proud of me now? Because no matter what the fuck I'm doing... NOTHING. EVER. SATISFIES YOU!" My voice was disappearing by now, and my legs gave in.
I collapsed down on the ledge, standing on my knees as I looked out over the mesmerizing view.

"Calm down. Breathe." It was a whisper.
"Get out of my head. Get out of my head!" I started pulling on the roots of my hair, just wanting to get her voice out of my head. "You can do this Shawn. Just calm down. Breathe." Adriana is stuck in my head, her voice breaking my rage and I bursted out in tears.

Crying in my knees as I saw her face in my mind.
Her smile creating a new chapter of joy, but then, the disappointment, unhappiness and heartbroken states. I know I'm disappointing, but seeing it from her makes me even sadder.
I looked over the view once again, soaking wet as I sat in the pouring rain.
Nothing is visible apart from the tree next to me.
The rain is coming down, and so is my tears.
It hides the real identity, like I always do.

"What did I do to deserve her?" The only thing I'm thinking of, Adriana. I broke in to her palace, her life, thinking it was all perfect. A perfect opportunity for me to ruin every last bit of it.
But once I got the first step in, I saw that there's not much to ruin, some things she already rebuilt but other is still lying in piles on the ground.
Waiting for a repair.

I immediately jumped up, running back to my house before seeing her face in my mind again, the entire way.
Since I'm already on the run, why not take the distance. I ran straight back to her house, needing to just say something even though I don't know what it is.
I just feel like I need to be there.
Apologize?