Changing | SM

Part 12: fear

Shawn:

When I saw Adriana walking up to me, I was surprised. Why is she intrigued with what I'm doing or where I'm going?
She sat down next to me after I purposely made a seat open for her.
If she wants to follow me, she should he allowed to face consequences or something with being with me.

She's taking the risk of wanting to be around me now, and I can't make any promises about how I'll treat her. But I simply can't be rude to her on a permanent base.
After Beian mentioning that she has a soft side, being absent for a few months... I want to know and I don't want to be extremely rude and ruin my chances with getting to know her.
Plus, now that I want to be alone, I know I can be alone with her. I feel different around her and it actually scares me.

"Why are you helping me with my math?" I asked, resting my elbows on my knees as I looked straight in front of me. "I mean, at first you didn't want to help me, then you did and only said it for two days a week... now you say you can help me everyday. And I know I practically harassed you to help me but still... Why? Why would you, of all people offer up your time to help someone like me?" I finally looked over to her to see a surprised look on her face.

"What do you mean by 'someone like you'? You're just like us..." She doesn't get it, but I just shook my head, not wanting to tell her anything. "But I want to help you because I know what it feels like to not get through and have p- uhm.. never mind, I just, it's not just because of the teachers asking me, but I believe everyone deserves a chance to succeed." She said.

What was she trying to say earlier about her knowing how it feels... how what feels? "You have a soft heart Adriana. It's a bad thing to have in this world." She nodded her head, knowing she has a soft heart. "Having a soft heart in this cruel world is courage Mendes, not a weakness. And you said my name right." She bumped my shoulder, with a smile on her face.

Why is she so nice to me, all I done was made her life a crises just to get her help. And she scratches that all just to help me... she's a good person.
I don't want to ruin her. We sat there for a while, not really talking. And then I had the idea... what if I show her my life?
Could she fit the pieces together and figure everything out, or will she push me away like everyone else.

Will she be able to help me?

In a way I want to trust her with everything, but in another way I also want to ruin her as well. Just like everyone else. "Well since you're already cutting class, come with me." Her eyes grew big as fear expressed all over her face. "Uhmm... no. I'm good thanks." Everyone is afraid. "You've still not gained my trust Shawn so I'm not going anywhere. And we still have school." She stood up, taking her bag.

"You're afraid." I put my hands in my pockets, my words making her turn around to look at me. "Everyone is afraid of something. Aren't you?" She looked at me with her eyebrows furrowed together.
I'm afraid of everything.

"No." I walked closer to her.
"Why are you afraid? What happened to you that made you afraid of living life?" I looked into her eyes.
Like everyone else, she has a story. Not one of sabotaging everyone because she couldn't get the new iPhone for Christmas... but she really has a story behind her being.
Like me.

But when I look into her eyes, I can see a glimpse of a story that she doesn't tell. She's afraid of life, because life was once taken from her.
When you have a shit life, you can see sadness in the most joyful people. From the outside you might think that everyone lives a happy life, due to the smile and warm kindness they give to other. But when you find them alone, weeping and breaking in the silence and darkness, you'll find that they have a soul. Broken to pieces.
I see all that, because joy is no longer part of my vocabulary.

"Just know that what you fear will not go away by constantly thinking about it. It will go away when you see it for exactly what it is." I walked to my car, seeing her just looking at me as I glanced back at her over her shoulder.

I'll win her over.
Some time.