Love Suicide

LIII

DECEMBER 11: Friday

JACQ

I'm very thankful to have someone like them in my life. Nag-rebelde ako ng apat na araw na akala ko, wala nang naghahanap sa'kin. Kahapon, napag-desisyonan kong kapag wala pang nakahanap sa'kin, bukas tutuluyan ko na.

Until he came to the picture a while ago.

Things are just unexpected.

"Awe Jacq!" She hugged me tighter than ever. "Sa'n ka punta? Ba't ka nawala? Miss po kita!" Sigaw nito na tila ba naiiyak.

I close my eyes as tears run down my face. Realization strikes me, over and over again.

Quin and I just arrived at our house. After those things that happened a while ago, didn't bother me because I just express what I'm feeling--for the first time.

Humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap ko kay Triex at tumayo nang tumakbo siya pabalik kay Tita Zen na hindi ko pa nakaka-usap simula ng makadating ako dito.

"Uy," someone tapped my shoulder from behind that's why I look at my back. "J-Jacq."

I smiled at him. Kinuha ko ang kaniyang kamay na ngayon ay nakapatong pa din sa balikat ko. "Justin."

"Jacq--" shit. He knelt down while holding my hand and crying. "I'm so sorry."

"Justin, tatayo ka ba o sasapakin kita?" Agad siyang napatingin sa'kin. Gulat ang nakaguhit sa kaniyang mukha. "Ano?"

Agad siyang napatayo at binatukan ako. "Ano akala mo, Jacq Nav? Magpapatalo ako sa'yo?!" Napatingin ako sa paligid at nakita ko na nakatingin silang lahat ngayon sa'ming dalawa ni Justin.

"Justin!" I heard a guy, yelled his name. "What are you--"

"Tao ako." He cut what Quin's supposed to say.

"Fuck--"

"Bad you too." I roll my eyes and look at Quin.

"Why are you shouting?" I asked.

"Isa pa, Justin. Kukutusan kita." Pagbabagnta nito kay Justin na hindi ko man lang maintindihan. Pakatapos no'n, umalis diya at nagtungo sa may sofa at umupo habang matalas na nakatingin sa'ming dalawa ni Justin.

I just roll my eyes, shaking my head while looking at Justin for him to continue on saying what he's supposed to say.

"Justin, what is it again?" I asked.

"Akala mo magpapatalo ako sa'yo?" Naguluhan ako sa kaniyang sinabi kaya naman napapikit ako.

"Ano ibig mong sabihin?"

"I know it's my fault, Jacq. But try to understand that we're always here for you. At hinding-hindi ka namin iiwanan, through good times or bad times, okay?" I look away. I know what he's trying to say. "Ginawa ko 'yon para ipagtanggol ka. They're saying those things to you because they don't know you."

"I-I know, I know. Y-you don't need to--"

"Tandaan mo, hindi sa lahat ng oras, kailangan mong magpa-apekto sa mga taong may sinasabi tungkol sa'yo. Minsan, 'yon din ang nagiging dahilan para mas maging malakas ka. Hindi ka dapat magpa-apekto kasi buhay mo 'yan, hindi ka nila hawak at hindi ka nabubuhay para i-please ang ibang tao." Tears, running on my cheeks as he said those things to me. "Sabi sa'yo eh. Hindi ako magpapatalo."

"Will you stop?" I asked. "Ang sakit-sakit na kasi." I whispered.

"Hoy!" Pumikit ako at pinunasan ang mga luha na nanggagaling sa aking mga mata. "Ba't mo siya pinapa-iyak ha?!" Galit na tanong ni Quin kay Justin. Hinawakan ko si Quin sa kaniyang balikat at nagulat nalang ako nang kabigin niya ako papunta sa kaniya at niyakap niya ako nang nakasubsob ang aking ulo sa kaniyang dibdib.

"Ken, hindi ko siya pinapa-iyak. You know, it's her choice if she want to cry. It's just my words that triggers her to cry, and I'm not the reason why she's crying."  He said like he knew everything.

"Yeah. You'll never be the reason why she'll cry, never."

"Or maybe you?" Justin once more said.

"No, I'll never make her cry." I look up on Quin and he's seriously looking at Justin. "Your words made her cry, of course, she'll really be triggered."

"Pero hindi ko choice na--"

"Na-uh. Kahit sa'ng banda--"

"Sinasabi ko lang kung ano ang point ko--"

"Stop." I said, stopping them from answering each other. "Mahina ako kaya ako umiyak." Tumigil silang dalawa at napatingin sa'kin nang humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap ni Quin.

"No, you choose to be weak."

All of a sudden in the middle of the statement of Justin, Quin covered my ears and I've heard Justin's statement, unclear. "You shouldn't be listening to him, Jacq."

"And why not? I'm--"

"Sh! You're talking too much." Nakita ko ang pagpipigil ng tawa ni Justin sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan. "Tara na nga, Jacq." Rinig ko nitong sabi at dahan-dahan niya akong inalalayan habang nakalagay pa din ang kaniyang magkabilang kamay sa aking tenga pero hindi kalaunan ay inalis niya ito at ipinatong sa'king balikat habang ang kabila ay nakalagay sa kaniyang bulsa.

Maya-maya pa'y naramdaman ko ang hawak sa aking braso pero ramdam ko pa naman ang kamay ni Quin na nasa balikat ko.

"Wait." Napatingin kaming dalawa kay Justin at sa pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko.

Inilayo ni Quin ang kamay ni Justin sa'king braso. "Take your hands off her." Quin said with authority.

"Quin, okay lang." I said and looking back at Justin. "What is it?" I asked him, then he smiled, bitterly.

"Did you already accept my apology?" I smiled from his question.

"Hindi mo kailangan na mag-sorry." Napatingin siya sa mata ko'r napangit at ginulo ang aking buhok. "Just what you've said earlier, it's my choice. Ang babaw kong tao, and now, I realized so many things."

"Jacq!" Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa'kin at nakita ko si Kate at Joshua pati na din si Dave. "It's nice to see you back!" She hugged me and I've heard her sobs.

"It's nice to see you too."