𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐘

45 | trust is key

Dining with Jungkook at his place enlightened me about several aspects of his life. I can tell that him sharing dinner with someone else is something he rarely does. He probably attended business dinners or went to expensive restaurants with his family but from his body language, the way he crouched his figure, the slight stutter that came out from his mouth when he spoke, his deep breathing-it was as if he was afraid he would say or do something wrong. I however tried to lighten the mood by discreetly telling him that he's doing okay or by touching his hand from time to time and gently caressing it. That seemed to ease the tension.

I find the fact that he's worried over small details such as this, so adorable and so out of character. He is taking us seriously and I want to believe that whatever it is that we have will develop into something pleasant. I'm still having my doupts about his sudden character alteration but something inside me wants to cling onto the hope that Jungkook actually wants the same thing as me. And yet, what Joy told me the other day is still gnawing at me.

But what if its all an act? What if when you finally surrender, he alters back to the cruel persona he had in the beginning?

A part of me always returns to the worst case scenario. I didn't need Joy to point out that specific detail, but when she voiced my thoughts I really couldn't help but overthink and obsess over this situation. I am scared of the slightest chance of Jungkook trying to get in an actual relationship with me only to crush my heart like he did before, even though we weren't labeled as something back then. I would hate Jungkook and I would loathe myself even more if I let him use me for his own amusement and then dump me like I'm some piece of trash.

"Hey, you're staring into space." Jungkook suddenly says. "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" I pipe. "I was just thinking." I mumble finishing off my second piece of lasagna.

"About?"

I tense up. "About how amazing this is." I smile gesturing to my empty plate. "It seriously tastes like heaven."

Jungkook chuckles and takes a sip from his wine. "Maybe you should tell me what's actually on your mind Eye Candy." He says, his voice becoming deep.

I sigh. "I guess I'm still worried."

"Worried about what exactly?"

"Us." I say hesitant.

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to be a little more specific."

"It's nothing really." I insist. "It's a habit of mine to overthink things."

"If you're overthinking things right now it's gotta be serious." Jungkook says. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No no no! That's the thing."

Jungkook's brows furrow in confusion. "I'm lost now."

"It's complicated."

"Then make me understand." Jungkook says.

"You changed drastically over the past month, you treated me better in ways I sometimes can't comprehend, you even apologized to me for being disrespectful and I just can't help but continue being insecure about us. Don't get me wrong though, this date has been amazing so far wasand I really want to continue this. I want to know you better Jungkook, because I feel that there are things that happened to you in the past that scarred you. And I totally understand that it won't be easy for you to open up about this to me in a heartbeat, but this is what couples eventually do, they tell each other about the dreadful past." His eyes are cool and dark. He's gazing into my own eyes, yet there's this distant shine that worries me. There are so many things hidden under the surface and I don't know where to start.