𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐘

104 | instinct

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Jungkook's POV

I'm tired.

I'm so exhausted.

I'm tired of being alone. 

I hate feeling so vulnerable and puny and so fucking helpless.

I might look like I got my shit together on the outside, but inside I'm falling to pieces.

It's just so damn exhausting being me and I hate myself so bad that I want to stop fucking existing.

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth reminded me of a younger version of myself that shared the exact same mindset as hers, mirrored the exact same destructive emotions. She tried to deny meaning all the crippling thoughts she expressed for the first time out loud, but I know brokenness when I see it. I always knew she was hurting. Under the loose, careless smiles she wore and her aloofness the pain in her eyes would seep through her skin like the watery substance of ink on the thinnest piece of paper. You could see the pain on her face when she danced. There's poise and grace in her movements but even the mask she worked so hard on perfecting over the years was unable of disguising the melancholy and the bleakness underneath. It was a matter of time before she'd break. 

Until she finally shattered. 

Ever since I've entered Elena's life, her liquid brown eyes are always glassy. Tears always at the brink of falling down the apples of her cheeks, leaving icy trails on her feverish skin. Long black lashes are dampened and watery, never catching a break, because I am the cause of her dismay. 

If I never listened to Namjoon that fateful day about going to the Golden Closet, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. Who am I fucking kidding? If I didn't attempt to manipulate her psychologically into doing every single wicked thing that I wanted, used and abused her mentally, she wouldn't have to deal with Seokjin's blackmail.

I fucking hate myself for all the damage I caused and I will never forgive myself for making her question her sanity, her perception her own judgement. I was fucking gaslighting her all that time and she was always at my mercy, scared and defenceless. And now seeing how burnt out she is because of Seokjin makes me feel disgusted about the person I once was. What's worse, is that I'm no better than that motherfucker, because I actually enjoyed the pain I inflicted while he only wants to expand his business.

Elena tries to hide her reddened face by burying it in my chest, her small fists clenching the fabric of my turtle neck.

My chest aches at the view of her finally breaking down. It hurts even worse, since I am the one responsible for her suffering. 

Deep down, I know that the person I loathe with every fiber of my being is still in me, lurking at the depths of my core like a vulture waiting patiently to be set free. He can break my my fucking rib-cage apart and rip my chest open and I will find a way to chain him back inside. Not only for her sake, but for mine as well.

"You're not alone anymore." I whisper lowly, my fingers getting lost in her curly strands as I trace cursive letters on her head. "I'm here for you." And that's when my girl finally looks back up at me with saturated eyes. I use my black sleeve to gently wipe away her tears, when my free hand clasps hers. "Always." 

Her breath falters slightly and tries her best to smile. "Thank you."

"How about I take you home now for a warm shower while I cook you dinner?" I suggest.