𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐘

25 | like a deer stuck in headlights

I haven't spoken to Jungkook in weeks.

Things have been going smoothly in my life ever since my birthday. I've been focusing more on my exams and university responsibilities while simultaneously working overtime at the Golden Closet. Jungkook hasn't visited me at the nightclub either and for that I'm sincerely glad. I have no clue what he's been up to lately and I don't want to find out either. He's cooled down a lot ever since my birthday party at his place and hasn't blackmailed ever since. Maybe, he got it through his thick head that I want absolutely nothing to have to do with him anymore. The sex was good-out of this world but he keeps hurting my feelings. I warned him before the fall that if he doesn't tell me exactly what's on his mind I'd leave. Turns out he doesn't give a damn about me. I've been a fucking plaything all along and I hate myself for the very thought of us actually being together, crossing my mind. I swear I'm so naive sometimes.

I have been hanging out a lot with Yoongi and Jimin. And the best part is that we sometimes hang out alone even after our courses at uni. He has been treating me so good and I really enjoy his company. He offers to treat me out (and of course I decline and simply settle on going Dutch), we have meaningful conversations about our childhood years although he doesn't quite mention a lot of things about himself. He flashes me that cheeky smile everytime I trip over my own step and makes fun of the fact I have two left feet. If only he knew about the stunts I can pull off on a pole... He tells me little things about his family and from all the information I gathered I can tell that his parents are pressurous and demanding when it comes to his education. They don't approve of him pursuing his career as a dancer. I however will support him no matter what because he's passionate about it and he works harder than any of the students in this university.

I decided not to mention anything about what happened at the party nor did I ask him about that thing he wanted as an exchange from me.

At the party when all that drama occurred Jimin seemed as though he knew something I didn't. His behavior was peculiar, for a moment there he wasn't his usual fluffy self and I was confused. Thankfully, now things have returned to normal and we're getting there in our own pace. Though we haven't kissed since the party...

I am currently in the uni's library finishing up the project that normally I'm assigned to do with Jungkook but I managed to switch partners a couple weeks ago. I don't want to get near that sadistic jerk ever again. When he found out about the sudden change of plans I could see it in his eyes that he had something to say, but I steered clear from him and I hate to admit that it was hard to just delete him from my life before I got a chance to figure him out.

But I needed to put myself first for a change. I couldn't let him destroy me. He might have made me feel like trash, like I'm worthless, but he didn't erase all of dignity.

And yet, the strangest thing was that despite all the emotional abuse he still made me feel alive. More alive than I've ever been. His very touch on me, his hands exploring places I've never been to, he made me feel like a woman. His lips on me, tasting my entire core made me feel powerful. And even though he's a dominant in bed there were times when I took control of his actions. He asked for my consent. Before that night all the times we engaged in this sort of activity he acted on impulse. Part of me felt violated while a whole other unknown side in me wanted to discover what else I'm capable of enduring. If there's one thing I'm grateful for in this messed up pact is that I've extended my limits with Jungkook and experienced pleasure and ecstacy in a whole new level. Jungkook was right when he told me I needed dominance in my life. There are times when I catch myself daydreaming about him and the unspoken things I want him to do to me. This feeling of control and being pushed to the very edge was overpowering and consuming and I've only felt that with him.