𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐘

75 | i'm sorry

The door closes with a light thud behind Mr Kang when he exits the room and I plop down on one of the chairs that is right next to the hospital bed. My mother's body is lying stiff on the mattress. Her face is pale and she looks naturally worn out. The tubes that are attached to her veins transfering electrolytes from a bag, they look like they're draining the life out of her.

I'm trying so hard to not pity her.

But it only gets worse every time. Seeing like this is a poignant reminder of what I have done almost a lifetime ago.

I frown as the doctor' words form a trance on my mind.

Is it fair for her to stay like this... paralyzed for so long?

What would you want at her place?

I gulp harshly and take her hand in mine not daring to go into that head space. Shaking my head, I caress the roof of her palm with my thumb.

They say that the brain of a comatose patient is still functional as it can react to sounds. The body is unconscious and they're unable to communicate with their environment. Wakefulness and awareness is absent since they lack vigilance. However, they can process certain things such as hearing things like footsteps approaching them, or flashes of conversations and people speaking. Even though they cannot respond to their surroundings, the patient' ears can receive sounds. 

"Hello mom," I say lowly. The doctors said that she is able to hear and having conversations with her could actually improve her state. "I'm sorry I couldn't visit you sooner."

I feel extremely guilty for not being able to see her more often. When I was in high school I would come back to Seoul every three months to check on her progress, but now with college in the way I can't come as often as I please. I've considered moving back here permanently, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I could easily get a scholarship and further my studies here, but I can't.

The main reason I can't stay permanently in Seoul is Elena.

I know it's selfish, but I can't let go of her.

"Dad is doing alright." I tell her in a soothing tone. "He's working day and night as usual. I can't stand Marlene or the other two brats." I'm still pissed at my dad for not telling me about Mr Choi' retirement. I have the right to know about the new doctor that is gonna handle her case. Nevertheless, my feelings don't matter right now. The least I can do right now is deliver some good news to her.

"I met a girl," I smile. "She's beautiful and kind just like you. Her name is Elena. We're both majoring in Film." Mentioning Elena, just makes my stomach clench. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell her about my mom. Especially when I'm the one responsible that she's here.

I take a deep breath and hold her hand tighter in mine. "She's compassionate, tenacious and extremely hard working. She would do anything to achieve her goals and I admire that. I guess she reminds me of you in some aspects. She puts up with all the shit I put her through." I pause for a moment before continuing. "I did some bad things to her, yet she found it in herself to give me a second chance."

It shocks me that the words just flow from my mouth without any difficulty. I tend to express myself through actions rather than words and truth to be told I need to work more on that department.

"When I'm with her, I actually feel good." I say. "I feel comfortable in my own skin for once and she accepts me for who I am even when she doesn't know everything about me. It's kind of strange come to think of it, that she can just break down my walls by saying all the right things."