𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐘

81 | lightning

Jungkook's POV

"You don't mean that." Elena says tugging on her dark blue flannel sleeves. "You're just pushing me away now because you're afraid to tell me whatever it is that you're hiding."

She knows me like the back of her hand.

Even through this cruel and heartless mask I so desperately cling onto with my life, now it's turning into a second skin. A second nature. A defense mechanism, I've managed to develop over the years in order to defend myself and of course protect everyone else from myself.

Having mastered the art of giving zero fucks has led me to this point in my life where it feels totally normal to lock myself up in this dark place just because I'm afraid of the consequences of letting the truth out in the light. I'm hauled up in this box, this catacomb in my mind where all of my memories, my truths, my secrets are contained, buried in the deepest part of my head. A place where I never allowed anyone to step inside, because once they fall in that black pit there's no where to run. No where to hide. There's no way out.

I can't afford to let Elena inside.

I don't want her to get consumed by the wicked things inside my mind.

There are times when I wonder to myself, what if I did open up. What if I told her the truth about what I did? Could that possibly change me? Or would the truth change her? If she finally sees all the broken things inside is she going to run or will she stay because she's the same?

If Elena knows better she'll leave. Only, she will have to be the one to take the first step away from me, because I'm selfish and incapable of actually leaving her.

She deserves better.

She deserves someone who will treat her with love and respect. Someone who isn't afraid to speak his mind. Someone who wouldn't fucking leave the country without further notice.

She deserves all the things I'm not.

"Let those tears fall Elena," I say with a menacing tone that causes her to shrink in my presence, "you're only proving me right that way."

I have to hurt her.

"Fuck you." She grits and turns around to avoid my eyes. Lifting her hand up to her face, I can hear the gentlest sniffle and she wipes her nose.

If I don't she will shatter my walls.

"Too bad I just did. You won't be getting any dick in your sweet little cunt tonight."

"Stop talking." Her voice breaks.

So close.

"Or what?" I challenge. "You'll cry until I decide to fuck you to sleep just to get you to shut the hell up?"

She slowly turns around to meet my gaze with teary eyes."This isn't you." I say. "You will regret pushing me away." Even with tears in her eyes, puffy eyelids and loose clothing she's the most extravagant woman I've ever seen.

And just how she knows I trade love for safety, she's transparent to me too. I know exactly what triggers her.

"I wouldn't have pushed you away if you stopped being so damn clingy, acting like you're my fucking wife." Her hand lands a slap across my face that causes the hottest burn to spread like wildfire on my cheek. It hurts and I find myself liking the pain like the sick fuck that I am, because I deserve any kind of pain inflicted by her own hand.

This is nothing compared to all the things I did to her.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" She gasps.