Sarah Paulson Mental Health & Smut Oneshots

Billie Dean Howard

⚠️Tw: Suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, depression

POV: Y/N

  Having depression is so frustrating because you get to a point very quickly where you don't feel anything anymore. Things that use to bring you joy don't sounds appealing anymore. You just want to be left alone.

  You wake up and just try to get though another day. After a while you relize you've been saying that for a long time and you're so mentally and physically drained.

  You just want everything to stop. You wonder what's the point of being here and being a burden to others if you are never feeling anything better than numb. So you start to think about suicide as a way out.

  I'd been thinking of a plan for the past two weeks and today is the day I plan to finally be free from my suffering.

  It's Monday morning and my plan to go mid school day. I wanted to end it today during school and not last night or this morning because I know I might back out and if it's during school hours it will remove any of my doubts.

  I just got out of my first period class and I'm heading to second. After the bell rings, I walk up to my favorite teacher Ms. Howard to say goodbye but not in such an obvious way.

  She's known me for a few years and we are very close. My parents and her and great friends. She joins us for dinner most nights. She knows my problems with my mental health.

  I talk to her a lot so when I say my goodbyes I'm going to try to not sound like anything is wrong.

  I stand behind one of my classmates she's talking to and when he leaves I walk up to Ms. Howard and she asks with a smile, "I darling what's up?"

  I reply, "I just wanted to say how much I love you." She says, "Aw, I love you too kiddo." I give her a tight hug and wave goodbye as I walk out the door. She waves back.

  I feel guilty for leaving her because she's going to be sad because we are so close but this is what's best for her.

  I am always coming to here with my mental health problems and she has such a bubbly personality and I feel like I'm always bringing her mood down.

  Now is the time. Everyone is at lunch so I won't get in trouble if I just walk out of the building. I walk to the tree next to the school parking lot and sit down.

  There are tears in my eyes and I take a deep breath. I pull my phone out of my pocket and connect my airpods to it and play a playlist I made for today on my spotify.

  I also grab a couple of bottles of pills from out of my bag and some water and start taking handfuls.

Billie POV:

  I forgot to grab my lunch this morning so I walk out to the parking lot, to my car, to grab it.

  I bring my own lunch because the food they serve at school is not that great, maybe not ever edible, so I pack some.

  I park all the way in the back of the parking lot because I like it try to get some extra steps in for the day. As I approach my car I see y/n sitting against a tree and it looks like she's sleeping.

  I don't really want to wake her up but I know I should because lunch is going to be over soon and I don't want her to be late for her next class.

  I walk over to tap on her shoulder and that's when I notice the empty pill bottles on the ground.

  My body all the sudden turns hot and I am unable to move for a second. I shake her shoulder with tears starting to stream down my face and I can see her slightly open her eyes. She seems so out of it. She's still a tiny bit conscious.

  I take my phone out of my back pocket and dial 911. While I wait for the ambulance, I shove my fingers down her throat to try to get her to throw up some of the pills and continually say, "Oh god y/n. Stay with me. Please stay with me."

She throws up some and that's when the ambulance arrives. They take her and I follow them in my car. I call her mom and inform her to get to the hospital.

Y/N POV:

  I wake up with a horrible headache and the loud beeping of a machine in my ears. Ms. Howard is sitting on a chair next to me, holding my hand, while her head is on the bed as she sleeps.

  Tear start to stream down my face and I start sniffing. She wakes up and hugs me tightly. I try to get out though sobs, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

  She sniffles and runs her hand on my hair, "It's okay. You're okay."

  I ask, "How long have I been out?" She replies, "Um, three days." I respond, "Oh god." She says, "Your parents and I have been taking shifts. They're in the cafeteria getting dinner right now."

  I grab her hand that's on mine and slightly squeeze she squeezes back.

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Word count: 909