Sarah Paulson Mental Health & Smut Oneshots

Billie Dean Howard

⚠️TW: Wax play, self harm, & anxiety tics

Word count: 1,168
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I cum all over billie's tongue and she moves up my body to crash her lips into mine. I moan in her mouth as I taste myself. I say, "Sit on my face mommy, I want to worship you."

She chuckles and straddles my face. She leans down to sit on it and I put my hands up to hold onto her thighs before beginning to lick up her slit with my tongue. She gasps as she grabs the headboard.

I attach my lips to her clit and start to suck on it and lick. She moans and starts riding my face. I shove my tongue into her entrance and she screams, "Oh fuck babygirl!" She cums all over my face a few minutes later.

She hops off my face and crawls over to her side of bed. She opens her nightstand and grabs a candle and lighter.

She crawls back over to me and I ask, "What's that honey?" She answers, "Wax play, would you like to try it?" I hesitate but then nod. She says, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to." I reply, "I want to." She says, "Ok baby but if you want to stop, you know the safe word."

I nod and she says, "Words sweetheart." I respond, "Yes mommy." She smiles and kisses the top of my head before lighting the candle. She sucks and bites on my neck before dropping some wax on a spot inbetween my breasts.

I moan loving the pain. She continues to let more wax drip down and harden on more of my body.
•••••

The next day, i'm sitting on the couch scrolling through my phone while Billie is shooting an episode today of her show. I haven't been able to get the feeling of the wax play out of my head.

I haven't cut myself in over a year now but since yesterday, I realized just how much I miss the pain of selfharm. I know I wouldn't get it out of my head and the craving won't go away until I do it so I hop of the couch and walk into Billie and I's master bathroom.

I grab an extra razor blade from underneath the sink and break it. I take one of the blades and begin slicing the skin on my arm. I sigh feeling a calmness wash over me. God I missed this feeling.
•••••

Two days later, Billie and I have just gotten ready for bed. We climb into the sheets and cuddle. She starts kissing my neck and lifting up my sweatshirt. I quickly pull it back down, remembering my cuts that I don't want her to see, and say, "Oh um, sorry i'm not in the mood tonight, i'd rather just keep holding you."

She responds, "Of course darling, that's fine, don't feel sorry."
•••••

The next day i'm in my room trying on a black cardigan that I bought online that i'm going to wear tonight when Billie and I go out for dinner with her coworkers.

Damn it! Three quarter sleeves! I'm going to have to put on so much foundation on the cuts so Billie doesn't see them. I pray it works.
•••••

  I've successfully made it to the restaurant, with Billie driving us, and manged to hide my arm. We walk inside and she sees her coworkers at a table. She starts walking towards them and I follow behind her.

  Everyone's drinks come to the table, that we just ordered just a bit ago, not alcohol just like soda and lemonade.

  I'm so worried about hiding my arm that I have a random twitching tic. I've had anxiety tics since I was in highschool. I've had anxiety since I was a kid and still can't manage it well.

  After the second one, Billie notices. She puts her hand on my thigh and asks quietly with a worried expression, "Honey are you alright?" I answer shyly, "I'm fine." She says, "Let me know if you want to go, we'll leave right now if you want."

  Not wanting to ruin the night, I reply, "It's fine." She slowly nods not knowing if she believes me or not. I have another tic a few minutes later in my leg.

  The guy infont of me, Brian, says annoyed, "You just kicked me!" I kind of put my hands half up and apologize. By the look on his face, he's definitely seen my arm.

  He asks, "What the hell is that on your arm?" I answer, "What do you mean?" He grabs it to look at which catches me off guard. Did he just fucking grab my arm?

  He looks at it and I feel myself tearing up. I'm so embarrassed. I try to pull my arm back but he grips onto it harder.

  He asks chuckling in an evil way, "You cut yourself? What's wrong with you?" Tears are now slowly falling down my face and I put my head down.

  He looks over at the guy sitting next to him, Brice, and says, showing him my arm, "Literally look at this, like what the fuck!"

  Billie quickly stands up and hits her hands down on the table. She yells, "Get your dirty sticky hands off of my girlfriend! Bryan don't bother coming in on monday, you're fucking fired!" He lets go of my arm and says to Billie with a shocked expression, "You can't do that!"

  She replies, "Oh yes I can." She looks over at me and says softly, "Let's go babe." I nod not looking at her. She holds my hand and we walk back to the car. Great great great ugh now i'm going to have to fucking explain my arm to Billie, just what I wanted, to upset my wonderful girlfriend ugh.

  She unlocks the door with her keys and we get inside the car. I start to cry and look down at the ground. She asks with sadness in her voice, "Y/n?" I sniffle and answer, "I um, it was the hot wax, I new the pain would probably make me miss cutting but I fucking did it anyways, this is all my fault."

She says, "Darling look at me, please." I slowly move my head up to look at her and she says putting her hand on my thigh, "It's not your fault sweetheart. I'm really sorry, I should've thought about that. Please come to me next time you want to, please. I don't want my babygirl hurting herself."

I sniffle and she pats her lap indicating for me to sit on it. I move over to the driver's seat and throw my legs over the concle. She kisses my forehead and I rest my head on her chest.

She wraps her arms around me and says starting to cry, "I love you so so much, you have no idea." I reply sniffling again, "I love you so much too Billie."