Sarah Paulson Mental Health & Smut Oneshots

Cordelia

  ⚠️Tw: Self harm, sucidal thoughts, frustration anger? like smashing plates? idk if that's something I should put down but I definitely will just in case😬🙂

AN: I've been going though it with self harm today so I just wrote this. I will be posting a part 2 to my Diane story soon though, sorry for making you guys wait.

If you want to maybe we could share our favorite songs to listen to when we're not feeling mentally great in the comments.

Some of my favorites are the Listening to my depression a conversation video on yt and Billie Eilish's Lovely and Listen Before I Go.

Word Count: 658

It's 1am and everyone is asleep. I've been crying in my bed for a few hours now listening to my spotify sad playlist.

  I just can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. Tired of everything, emptiness, loneliness, feeling like a burden to everyone, waiting for things to get better, not feeling in control especially with my eating disorder. I've been bad recently and been eating more.

  I'm so mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep and never wake up. It would be easier for everyone anyway. All they ever do is comment on how I and never doing anything and that I'm always in my room.

  I could try cutting again... It usually doesn't help but maybe if I do paint some red lines on my skin with my pencil sharpener will just get me though another night.

  I drag myself out of bed and grab my blade hidden in the back of my jewelry box and sit on the edge of my bed.

  I sit there for a moment trying to take in some breaths because I'm currently choking on my sobs.

  I roll up my sleep shorts and make about thirty cuts. It's a lot more than usual but I just kept going, taking the frustration out on myself.

  I've really been struggling with my eating disorder for about a year and a half now so I also carve the word FAT into my upper thigh.

  I clean up by wiping the blood off with a tissue and put band aids on. I put my blade back and crawl into my bed.

  It's two hours later and nothing has changed. If anything I feel more sucidal. I turn off my music and decide to head downstairs to the kitchen to grab some pill containers.

  I've been off of my sleep medication now for a while and have a couple bottles of those pills and some other prescriptions for my depression that I'll throw into my body.

  I walk quietly down the stairs and to the pill cabinet of the kitchen. I start hyperventilating and putting my head down with my arms on the counter.

  *Time skip only like 20 minutes*

  I was already angry and frustrated but all the sudden a wave of it hit me and I grab all the pill bottles in the entire cabinet and one by one smash them on the ground.

  I stop my quiet sobs and am basically scream crying smashing more and more to the floor. And still, hyperventilating, I run out so I starting throwing plates and glass cups.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder and a women says as she wraps her arms around me, "It's okay, it's okay. Y/N come here."

  I can makeout by her voice it's Cordelia but I can't see her because of my blurry vision for the tears.

  My body collapses on the floor and she still has her arms wrapped around me.

  After a while of me continuing to scream cry and hyperventilate, she pulls me into her lap and rocks me while I lay my head on her upper chest and shoulder.

  I starting apologizing, "Cordelia, Cordelia i'm sorry, i'm sorry." She kisses me on the forehead and replies, "Don't be sorry it's okay, i'm here, i've got you."