Sarah Paulson Mental Health & Smut Oneshots

Billie Dean

AN: Sry it took me so long to come back... yikes, i've been struggling alot with bad mental health and haven't been able to get myself to write.

Missed writing & all of you! Thx for the nice comments on my last chapter you all are the sweetest & I hope everyone of you has a great day!

⚠️Suicide attempt

Word count: 941
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I'm sitting in my car, which is in the garage, all snuggled up in a dark blue blanket, with the seat layed back, & listening to sad music with my wireless earbuds in.

The car is on.

"Just around thirty minutes to go, then i'll be at peace." I start singing the lyrics out loud as I cry even harder.

I love my girlfriend, Billie, so fucking much,  but she's definitely to good for me. She reassures me all the time that i'm the thing she loves most in this world, that I make her happy, she can't see how actually happy she will feel with me gone.

I've hurt and stressed her out for years with all the things i've done because of my mental illnesses. She doesn't deserve to have to take care of me, she deserves someone she doesn't have to worry about hurting themselves all the time. I'm doing this for the both of us. All the hurting can finally stop. Of course she'll be sad when i'm gone, which makes me feel HORRIBLE, but she'll soon realize this is for the best.

I want so badly to text or call her to say goodbye but she's so close by that she would stop me and I would be sent back to the psych unit of the hospital where they basically just keep you safe for about a week & you convince them you're all better now & can be released back into society because being locked up is definitely not a good time & after a while you feel so claustrophobic & will say whatever you know they want to hear to get out. Then you just go back to your fucked up life again & try to die again.

I start to shut my eyes & wait for the carbon monoxide to posion me, to put me to sleep forever.

Fiveteen minutes later, I hear the garage open up and slightly jump at the shock. It's Billie, she home early, FUCK.

She parks her car beside mine. I see her quickly jump out of it & run to my car door. She rips it open & places kisses on my forehead.

She says starting to sob, "I smell it, I know what you're doing please no, please don't leave! Please! Tell me what I can do better please!"

I feel myself slipping into darkness.
•••••••••

I open my eyes and see clouds and sky above me. I sit up and look around to see that i'm in a cemetery. I look down to see that i'm wearing a white dress.

Am I a ghost? I look behind me and gasp when I see a tombstone with my name on it. Oh fuck...

Billie's POV:

It's been two weeks since time of death was called on the love of my life. I haven't gotten any sleep and I can't get myself to eat. I need her with me, I can't keep going without her.

I park the car in front of the cemetery, where she was buried, and get out of the car. I start tearing up and walk over to her gravestone.

I sit infront of it and say through tears, "Y/n, baby, I miss you, I love you. I need so badly to see you, at least just to say goodbye. Please show yourself, i'm not mad I promise, I understand it's been so hard for you for so long now that you couldn't keep fighting."

About a minute later, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see her. I ask as she starts to cry, "Can I hug you?" She nods and I wrap my arms around her as I start to now sob.

She says, "I'm sorry Billie, i'm so so sorry." I pull away and start peppering her face with tiny kisses. I pull her hair behind one of her ears and ask, "Sit on the bench with me?" She nods and we walk hand and hand over to it.

I pull out a razor from my pocket and say, "I... I need to join you, I can't and won't keep going without you. I don't want to die alone at home so I was hoping you won't mind holding me while I do."

Her eyes go wide and she protests, "Honey, no please... please, we'll be together again one day but today's not the day. I want you to go enjoy the rest of your life, go travel the world. Go anywhere and everywhere, eat lots of good food from the places you visit. You deserve all life has to offer and more my love. I want you to go enjoy life and die an old women warm in your bed, then we'll have forever together. Please, for me."

I slowly put it back into my pocket and nod. I say as I rest my head on her shoulder, "I'm coming to visit you all the time."

She responds, "I'll look forward to it, especially since there's not much to do here." We lightly chuckle and she places a kiss on my forehead and puts her hands in mine before saying, "I love you Billie Dean, forever and always."

I reply, "I love you too Y/n Y/l/n, forever nad and always."