Sarah Paulson Mental Health & Smut Oneshots

Cordelia

⚠️TW: Self harm & Mention of eating disorders

AN: Cordelia is just a mother figure in this one.

Today is my second pride month i've been able to celebrate with myself🥰🏳️‍🌈🥳.
It took me so long to accept myself as a lesbian bc of my homophobic upbringing and religious trama but I finally am able to love and accept this part of myself and am so happy about it!

Happy June 1st everyone😁🥳🏳️‍🌈

(Fake tattoo sadly😂)

Word count: 943
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  I don't do anything. I'm either sleeping in my bed or laying down in it trying to be. I have Anorexia but somehow i've now got into this cycle where I restrict for almost a week and then something will happen, like the girls will convince me to eat with them out somewhere, and i'll start overeating for a week and then the cycle will continue to circle around and around.

I would lose weight but just put it back on. I feel weak and like a failure. I have no fucking self control, what the fuck is wrong with me?

  I'm fucking sick of it. I just want to be thin and beable to eat like a normal fucking person! What did I ever fucking do to deserve to hate my body so much that I have eating disorders! It's not fair. I just want to like how I look and not cry everytime I look into a goddamn mirror!

  I tell myself i'm no longer going to eat and that i'm going to restict so I eat all the foods I like before midnight so I wont be tempted to eat them the next day but fail after almost a week and end up doing the same thing over and over again.

  Everyone has given up on talking to me and I can't blame them. They see me as this annoying sad girl who never leaves her room.

  I get out of my bed and walk towards my bathroom that is connected to my room, bringing my phone and earbuds. I grab a pencil sharpener that I have hidden and sit on the cold tiles.

  I put on some sad songs from my Spotify and put in my earbuds. I roll up my sleeve and start cutting my arm, slow and deep instead of quick less deep slices like usual. A ton of slices later, I lay there and just stare into nothingness for a while.

I love listening to mental illness songs because I can feel less alone, no one I know feels the way I do or understands.

  I close my eyes and continue listening, not caring about the fact blood is dripping down my arm and onto the floor.

  A few songs later, I feel my body being shaked. I open my eyes to see a horrifed Cordelia. I quickly throw my airpods onto the floor and roll my crewneck sweatshirt sleeve up.

  She asks with a broken voice, "Y/n, why did you hurt yourself?" I feel so embarrassed that I start to cry and say, "I'm sorry, i'm sorry. Everything's so heavy and I need to feel something."

  She helps me clean my arm, so it doesn't get infected before carrying me and placing me on my bed. She grabs a new sweatshirt for me, since the one i'm wearing right now has blood on it. She says, "Arms up honey."

  I do so and she takes off my sweatshirt before putting the new one on. She climbs into the bed with me and holds me while I cry.

  I say, "I hate so much that I have to suffer with all these mental disorders, why can't I just be normal and do normal teenager things, i'm missing out on so much it hurts?" She replies running her hands up and down my arm, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
•••••

  The next morning, Cordelia comes in to tell me breakfast is ready and like always I tell her that i'm not hungry that i'll eat later but this morning she doesn't seem to buy it.

  She says with a sad smile, "I don't think you do end up eating later." I don't say anything and she shuts the door behind her. She sits on my bed and asks, "Sweetheart what's going on with your eating? I've noticed for a while now you don't eat for many days but then you eat alot at once. Are you struggling with disordered eating?"

  I don't say anything I just start crying. She says heartbroken as she pushes my hair out of my face, "Oh Y/n, i'm sorry. Please let me set up a therapy appointment for you. I just want you to feel better."

  I shake my head no and respond, "No Cordelia i'm fine, please just go away." She replies, "Honey but you aren't fine, not at all." I say, "The therapist is just going to make me eat normally and I can't go back to doing that, i'm already fat enough! I deserve to starve for letting myself get this big and gross!"

  She replies, "You aren't those things and you do not deserve to be hungry, I promise you're brain is lying to you sweetheart." I lightly scoff and say, "You're justing saying that to be nice, you don't have to lie to me Cordelia."

She replies, "I promise i'm not lying to you, you deserve to get better. I'm making that appointment for you." I don't feel like talking anymore since i'm still really tired so I just roll my eyes and respond, giving in, "Fine."

She lightly smiles and says, "Thank you."