But you didn't.
As soon as you stepped on the stage, your body was on fire. But then, you locked eyes with the brown ones you hadn't seen in what seemed like forever and your heart stopped. Tranquility washed over you, and it should've felt weird, to step up to the mic and feel calm, but you did. And you sang. Hitting every note. And looking at Alex the whole time.
I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me
When we're alone
You can hold my hand
If no one's home
Do you like it when I'm away?
If I went and hurt my body, baby
Would you love me the same?
I can feel all my bones coming back
And I'm craving motion
Mama never really learns how to live by herself
It's a curse
And it's growing
You're a pond and I'm an ocean
Oh, all my emotions
Feel like explosions when you are around
And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh
Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden?
Oh, and if I could take it all back
I swear that I would pull you from the tide
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no)
Listen close, it's a no
The wind is a-pounding on my back
And I found hope in a heart attack
Oh at last, it is past
Now I've got it, and you can't have it
Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh
And if I could take it all back
I swear that I would pull you from the tide
Darling, when I'm fast asleep
I've seen this person watching me
Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh
Guess there is something, and there is nothing
There is nothing in between
And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer
Watching over me, he's singing
"She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy"
He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook"
Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh
And if I could take it all back
I swear that I would pull you from the tide
You hadn't realised how fitting the song was until it was finished. Until the crowd was applauding louder than ever. Until Alex stood up and left through the door to the left. Until your heart sank.
You won. You were bound to win. No one else had been taught how to sing by a Nautice queen bar you. But you felt like you had lost a hell of a lot more than won.
Kara congratulated you, as did everyone else, even Eliza somehow snuck a hug in, but it felt like none of them mattered. Winn and James texted you a congratulations later, and you thanked them. It was maddening. You hadn't hung out with them in months, all because of your crush on Alex. You couldn't call it a crush. It wasn't a crush. It was more of a need. A deep sense of love. And it burned into your brain until you felt infected by it.
And the thing that stung the most?
Alex texted you too
Alex Danvers
congrats x
That was it. You didn't know what to expect. More? Less? Anger? Pride? That fucking 'congrats' stuck in your head like a piece of gum. You didn't text back. You couldn't text back. Because you knew, deep down it would lead you to her again, and you couldn't face that.
It was a week after when you saw Kara and Lena kiss in the corridors. And no one batted an eyelid. They kept walking. And Kara and Lena kept kissing. And the world kept spinning. And you were left confused. Mad and utterly confused.
You asked your dad about it.
'Carl?'
'Yes sweetheart?'
'Is it wrong for two girls to love each other?'
'I've told you this before. Men belong with woman. Woman belong with men. Understand?'
'Not really.'
'You are marrying a man. That's it. It's final.' He was mad you could tell.
'What if I don't want to?' You said softly.
He slapped you then. Hard. And it's not like super strength granted you invincibility or anything, so you felt it. You felt it in your soul.
Later on, when you had stormed off and out of the house, hand gingerly placed against your stinging cheek, you had looked up 'gay'. Because you had heard your dad use it as an insult many a time, and school gossip told you it was two people of the same gender liking one another. It lead you to find the word 'homophobia'. And you knew your dad was the basic definition of it. And you cried. You sobbed for hours at the fact that the people that chose to adopt you, will never understand your love for Alex. The person you've pushed away. Who didn't deserve to be pushed away.
That night, you found out it was okay to be gay. No matter what your dad said, you figured that you were fan whatever he thought about it, so he would have to deal with it.
After that, there came the aching desire to do something with this new information. So you did.
It took you an hour to walk to the house you had gotten so familiar with. You headed through the side gate and located the window you wanted. You picked up pebbles and three them lightly against it, creating a tapping noise you hoped Alex would hear. It reminded you of the films you had watched at her house, the boy throwing stones up to the girls window late at night.
After 5 minutes, a head poked out of the window you very nearly threw another rock at.
You saw her, hair dishevelled and penguin pyjamas on. And she looked stunning.
She squinted and let out a faint gasp.
'(y/n)?' She said, almost whispered into the night.
'Can you come down?' You asked.
'Why would I?' She crossed her arms.
