Complications Throughout Generations

Chapter 79

Levi's POV:

I had my therapy session today. No one knows besides my mom and Mikasa. Once I got a little older, I went from 2 to 1 in a week which made everyone happy. I was getting better in some way.

"How are the flashbacks?" My therapist, Anka, had asked.

"Less gruesome." She wrote that down. "I listened to what you said...about letting people in."

"Really? That's fantastic." Her face beamed with joy. "You've never mentioned of having any friends in your life so I wasn't sure."

"Yeah, I have a few."

"Tell me about them." She sat on the opposite side of the room with her legs crossed and her small notepad placed on her thigh. A black pen was placed in between her fingers as she looked at me with eagerness. I knew I was one of the special clients. Young kid walks in who had just lost his childhood best friends and his dad in the same car accident and you were there to witness it all. Obviously I'm going to be looked at in a little more depth than others.

"Well, there's my two closest friends, Erwin and Hange. Erwin is cool, he doesn't talk much. But when he does, he's very smart and mature. He's a year older than me. So is Hange. I'd say she's my best friend. We met when I was in middle school. She's loud, has obsessive tendencies, but she's also the smartest person I know. She's like a mad scientist. I go to her for a lot of things only because she's able to put all her chaos aside and get serious. She has a good balance as a person. She's willing to listen and understand. She's a good friend."

"I'm glad you have friends, Levi. They seem to make you feel less...alone." I started to bounce my leg up and down. Alone. Truthfully there's only one person who doesn't make me feel alone.

"His name is Eren." I blurted out. "He is the only person I have let come near me physically that isn't my mom."

"Do you know why?"

I'm not in denial about how I feel about Eren. That was never the issue. Fear is the issue.

"Yeah." I nodded. I'm afraid of letting the world know who I really am. That's what it is.

"Are you comfortable with explaining?" She wasn't pushy but I knew she was curious.

"I'm," I gripped my fists tightly. Just do it. Just say it, "I'm...gay." I felt indifferent. I didn't feel liberated but I also didn't feel worse.

"And you're saying Eren has something to do with that?" She could tell I wasn't all too thrilled about my sexuality so she didn't shower me with love. She knows me well enough to know I'd ask her to stop immediately. I don't hate that I'm gay. Mikasa was a huge part on that. I'm definitely more accepting now. It's just that I simply hate the convenience of Eren being bisexual. That's not how this was supposed to go. Once the accident had happened, I had decided at a young age that good things aren't meant to happen to me. I felt partially responsible for the accident even though I genuinely didn't do anything to cause it. But why did I live? I don't understand it. So I locked myself away. I didn't want to see anyone, be near anyone, I was afraid of everything. I couldn't go outside, I couldn't even see a flash of red or else I'd go into panic mode, my entire house even had to be remodeled because it reminded me of my dad. But then I met Eren. I thought 'fine, I can have my little crush and not have to worry because he's straight'. It made me sick seeing how he'd talk to Jean. I don't care, I still have my theory of Eren having something for the kid. But that's when I noticed he wasn't entirely into girls. That's when I needed to figure out how to push him away. So I got physical. Why? I wish I knew. Hange tells me I was extremely physical in my past life. Her and those stupid books.

"It does." I nodded. "I...love Eren." I felt sick saying it out loud. I rested my elbows on my knees with my fingers running through my hair. My eyes started to sting. The last time I had cried was when Eren triggered my stupid emotions all those years ago. So why now?

"Why do you think that?"

I couldn't speak at first. I bit my lip and shook my head. I wiped my tears away and sat up straight. It was useless, I was holding back a lot but I was physically no match for the emotional damage I've caused to myself.

"He told me when we were younger," I sniffled, leveling out my voice so I sounded somewhat normal, "that all he wanted to do was make me happy and keep me safe." I was so angry at myself. How could I do this to someone who's been so good to me through all of the pain I've caused? "We kissed that night...I don't think I had ever beaten him that badly before." I shook my head and brought my knees up to my chest and held them tight. "After that, he would come over to see my sister and then her boyfriend would come over and he'd come into my room. That's all he ever did. Make me happy and made me feel safe. But because I'm so wrapped up in this mindset that I'm not supposed to be happy or that I'm not supposed to be loved, I kept doing it over and over and over." I felt like I could vomit. Thinking things is one thing, but saying them out loud is another. It makes you realize just how fucked up you are.

"Can I ask you something, Levi?" I nodded. She felt sorry for me. I don't blame her. What I've done is truly tragic. "Do you know why he's stayed through all of this?"

"No!" I cried out. "I don't understand it." I put my feet back on the floor back into the position with my elbows on my knees. "I don't understand what I have done that makes me so special to him."

"Do you think it has to do with the past life that Hange and Mikasa have asked you about?"

Could it? Neither of them have mentioned Eren to me so I don't see how. Maybe I should ask. Hange has gone on about dumb things but I've never read a single page in that guide book she has.

"You think Eren and I were together in a past life?"

"It could be something like that. Maybe you're meant to be. Maybe you were meant to love each other in another lifetime."

Goodbye my love, maybe I'll see you in another lifetime.

And that's when it happened. My first memory.