Complications Throughout Generations

Chapter 141

Kuchel's POV:

My goal as a mother has always been to love my kids unconditionally and show them that I'm their biggest supporter no matter what. Out of my 3 kids, the only one who had seen the darkest parts of me was Levi. So if anything, my main goal has been to give him as much love as possible because there was a point in time where I didn't. He's never had it easy but from what Mikasa, Hange, and Eren have told me, they believe that my relationship with him has made him a different person. Although Mikasa wasn't my daughter over a 1,000 years ago, I still love her just as much as Levi. She's so incredibly bright and wonderful, I'm so proud to call her my own. She's currently in her rebellious teen phase but the fact that I'm able to be there for her and still be her mother makes it all worth it. I never wanted to be the mother that reprimanded their kids. When you're abusive towards your children, that's where the issues start and then a chance at having a true bond is tainted. Not only can I call Levi and Mikasa, my children, but also my best friends.

I was fortunate enough to be able to adopt my other best friend. Hange. Levi and Hange have been best friends since they were little so I had always looked at her as if she were my own from the start even before I had adopted her. She's one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. For a young woman, she's wise and strong for the people around her. I know how much she's been there for Levi and I appreciate everything she's done because without her, I'm not sure if Levi would be the way he is today.

After the accident, my children's mental health was the first thing on my mind. I lost my husband and Mikasa had lost her father, but Levi had lost his father as well as his two best friends whom he had already lost in his other lifetime. He was shy as a child. He never spoke unless spoken to, never misbehaved. He barely even cried when he was a baby. But being that I had lost him once, I wanted to do everything I could to help. Once the accident had happened, I was afraid for him. Although he was very young, it was clear that he wasn't like other kids his age. I hadn't seen any child that young with OCD and PTSD which he had to be tested for. He would start shaking if he saw any colors, which only intensified; if he saw the color red, he would nearly become paralyzed. It had only reminded him of the bloodshed. He stopped sleeping as much because of his constant nightmares. The amount of times where he'd wake up screaming and crying are countless. I'd always run in and stay in bed next to him until he calmed down. That's when we found out tea had helped him. The screaming had gotten so bad that we needed to move his room from upstairs to the downstairs not only because he was closer to me but also because it had messed with Mikasa's sleep as well. He was afraid to leave the house. He couldn't even get inside a car. The thought of people and the possibilities of death frightened him so he had only felt safe in the comfort of his own home, more specifically his room. He barely left it. There was a period of time where I would have to come in his room to bring him food rather than him coming out to the kitchen. Luckily, Eren is what changed a lot of these things along with the regaining of his memory. He still has his issues but he no longer goes to therapy, he moved his room back upstairs, he sleeps but only if he's with Eren so I'm grateful for that, and he's in public school. He tries his best and I'm so proud of him.

But this has unfortunately caused quite the strain on my relationship with Mikasa. I try and spend as much time as I can with my daughter but she looks at it as Levi being my favorite child. The reality is, Levi has been struggling mentally for years at a young age and a lot of kids his age tend to deal with it on their own and don't feel as though their parents can be trusted. I've made sure he knows he can come to me and that I'm here to take care of him. That's no different for Mikasa and she knows this but she's stubborn so she doesn't see it that way. This has only grown ever since Hange had joined the family. I've told Mikasa that I love all my children and I've made it known to each of them. There has been no favoritism or special treatment; Levi has just needed more support over the years, that's all. I've tried my best to fix my relationship with Mikasa. I bought her a car for her birthday, I help her with any homework she needs, I buy her anything she wants, I try and take her out to dinner as a mom and daughter night, I'll try to start TV shows with her. It's almost as if nothing will ever be enough. Sometimes it makes me feel like I've failed as a mother; that my goal isn't being fulfilled. But I'll always try my best.