Complications Throughout Generations

Chapter 195

Eren's POV:

"Eren, Eren," Mikasa held onto my arms, trying to stop me from going into the hospital room. "Please, listen to me." I nodded. "Levi...he's not...I don't want you to think that's everything's all better. The only difference is that he's alive, okay? He's still really...you'll see. I don't know how to explain it. My head is just in a million different directions right now." I knew Levi wasn't exactly stable. It was expected. I just hope that all my fears weren't about to come true. I slowly opened the door and my heart began to pound even harder than it already was. He's really awake. Eyes open, staring right at me.

"I'm-"

"Save it." He immediately cut me off, sounding annoyed. Either that or I just need to get used to his typical tone because it's been so long. But I still didn't know how to respond. I was too afraid to ask the wrong questions or say the wrong things.

"Was it my fault?" Stupid thing to ask first but there's no taking it back now.

"No." He shook his head.

"Then what was it?"

"Do you mind if we don't talk about this?" This time he didn't sound as annoyed. If anything, I'd say he sounded afraid. I walked over to him and stood in the very spot I had been every single day I visited him. "I think you know what I'm going to say next." He whispered, unable to look at me. I felt my stomach drop.

"No," I shook my head. No, as in I know exactly what he means. No, as in how could you do this?

"Please, Eren. I need you to understand." He looked up at me with glossy eyes and a tightened jaw. He moved over on the bed for me to join him and so I did. Just being that close to him felt equally as painful but also blissful. He moved my face slowly with his hand and placed a deep kiss onto my lips. He pulled away and moved the hair out of my face, seeming desperate to find words to say. But then judging by the look in his eyes, I realized he was desperate to hold back what he wanted to say instead.

"Just tell me, Levi." I held onto his smaller hand that was placed on my cheek and I rubbed his knuckles.

"I don't want this to be forever."

"Us?" A sheer panic went through my body.

"No," he aggressively shook his head as if that was absolutely insane, "Eren, I can't keep dragging you down like this."

"Levi, you can't just do this to me? I came to see you every single-"

"I know, Eren." He whispered, biting his bottom lip. "And I appreciate that more than you'll ever know. It just means you never gave up on me. Mikasa and Hange told me that you were the one that found me that night." I nodded, not wanting to relive those flashbacks.

"I told you I was still coming." I wanted to put my arm around him so I looked with reassuring eyes as he nodded. Being so close to him felt right, it felt normal.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Levi."

"But isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Apologize? I put everyone through nothing but pain and agony for six months. You most of all."

I sighed, trying to think of the right words to say. "Can I ask you a serious question?" He nodded with his head on my shoulder. "Did you want to be saved?" He tensed up a bit which I had expected, I know it's a big question to ask.

"No...I really didn't."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes and no."

"Tell me why 'yes' first."

"I didn't do it because of you." Hearing that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I was always on the fence whether or not it was my fault. "It was because...I wanted to be with mom." His voice grew shaky towards the end of his sentence. I kissed the top of his head, understanding how difficult the loss of Kuchel was for him. "That day at school...I was nearly paralyzed. I took it as a sign. But now you're the reason I can't see her." It hurt hearing it but it could've been worse.

"And why 'no'?"

"Because I love you, Eren. I thought that was established." Hearing the combination of words as well as his snarky comment was beyond overwhelming. That was my Levi.

"I love you too, Levi." I started to cry. It was one of those moments where once you start, you can't stop. "Please, I really don't want you to do this. Not to me. Not now. After everything I've been through. I can't lose you ever again. Levi...do you even know what today is?"

"I barely even know where I am."

"Levi, it's my birthday today." I choked as I tried to hold back the tears. "Don't do this today. Maybe tomorrow or...or even the second the clock hits 12 but not now."

"Eren, look at me." His voice was soft and calming as he grabbed onto the sides of my face. He wiped the flowing tears away with his thumbs as he tipped my head down to kiss my forehead. "This needs to work. I can't keep dragging you down into my pit of hell and expect you to keep pulling me back out. I'm going to get better. And when I do, I will be right back with you, okay?"

"Do you not realize that leaving me will make this worse?" My mind was too clouded to understand his logic. After all of this waiting, this is exactly what I was dreading. But knowing that he's planning on being with me in the future confuses me because why not stay?

"I'm going to go away for a while. I know you know that. If I'm alive right now, then my time here isn't done. So I guess I'll have to figure out a way to make it worth living on my own. I can't keep feeling guilty that I'm keeping you from the things you really want."

"But you know all I really want is you."

"And you still have me." He started to comb my hair back and held his hand out for a hair tie. Even in a time like now, he just can't stand anything too messy. I took it off my wrist and placed it in his hand and then I watched him hold it between his teeth.

"I really missed you, Levi." My chin started to tremble but I bit my lips together to make it stop.

"This isn't goodbye forever. Okay, brat?" The nickname made me smile through the tears but if anything it made it worse because I won't hear it again after waiting all this time to begin with. "I'm going to come back. I'm going to get my shit figured out. I'm coming back straight to you if you still want me. But for now, we need a moment for ourselves. Take this as more of a break, not a break up."

"A break?" I guess it was making more sense to me. It made a lot of sense actually. But I didn't like it necessarily.

"We'll be okay, Eren. I promise." He kissed my lips once again and pulled me close. "I love you. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." My voice cracked as I held him tighter. I never wanted to let go. I had waited too long for this moment. "It's okay." I repeated.