Complications Throughout Generations

Chapter 192

Eren's POV:

"Merry Christmas!" Hange shouted as she turned the Christmas tree lights on. Everyone seemed happy, genuinely happy. I've been dreading this day for a while without Levi and it's even worse than what I had expected. But I need to keep it together for everyone else. I want them to have a good Christmas.

Mikasa walked down the stairs with a few decorated bags in her hands. She put them under the tree in between my wrapped boxes as well as Hange's.

"Dinner is almost ready!" My dad had said from the kitchen. Christmas started at 5pm due to the fact that my dad had an overnight shift at the hospital on Christmas Eve. He got home eventually and slept for a few hours but the second he woke up, he ran to the kitchen and started cooking.

I tried to fake a smile but Mikasa can see right through me. Luckily she didn't say anything because she knows I'm trying but also dying inside. I stayed on the couch and stared at the TV with my favorite Christmas movie on: Die Hard. Some may argue it's not a Christmas movie but to that I say you're wrong. But right underneath the TV were the stockings hung above the fireplace. I felt my stomach turn as I read each name.

Kuchel...Levi...Mikasa...Hange...

At first, I felt some joy seeing Hange's old stocking that's been hung up for the past 6 years. But reading Kuchel and Levi's name is a pain I will never get used to. I miss Kuchel every day. Every god damn day.

"Eren, come here." Kuchel waved me over from the kitchen to the couch. "I have something for you." It was the night before Christmas Eve and I had been spending it with Mikasa rather than Levi since he was in another 'fuck you, Eren' phase. "These are for you." She handed me three gifts and I couldn't help but smile.

"Kuchel, you didn't have to."

"Eren, you will always be like a son to me so because of that, you get presents. No exceptions."

"Okay." I laughed and smiled.

The pleasant memory was beginning to feel sour. I never wanted to admit to anyone that I looked at Kuchel like my mother more than my actual mother. To me, Kuchel was my mom and then there was the woman that gave birth to me. I wish I could say I was surprised when I found out my mom's true feelings about me. I just find it so interesting how in ancient history it was my father that was the monster. Crazy how some things can change. I'll always love her...but there's only so much love you can give when she refuses to talk to you. Of course I texted her 'Merry Christmas' but unsurprisingly I haven't gotten an answer in hours. I focused back on the TV, attempting to distract myself, but of course that never works.

"I liked that movie." Levi approved.

"Wait, really? You actually liked Die Hard?" I smiled with overwhelming joy. "I felt like you hated it."

"Because it's a Christmas movie?"

"Exactly." I was beyond happy that he picked up on the fact that it is definitely a Christmas movie.

"Well it's July so I see what you did there."

I laid fully down in his bed and pulled him on top of me. He was always comfortable there due to our size differences. He fit perfectly.

"Why do you hate Christmas?" I asked. I started to rub his back to ease any dispute that could occur.

"Do I really strike you as the Christmas loving type?"

"No."

"Right."

"Yeah, but why?"

He sighed and dug his head into the side of my neck as he played with my hair.

"Too many colors, annoying music, stupid movies, Santa isn't real, trees are messy, gifts are expensive, snow is absolutely vile, all those traditions are always cringey and weird. I just hate it. All of those crazy Christmas lovers are insane."

Levi was expectedly a Halloween person but I didn't think he hated Christmas that much.

"So just everything about it?"

"Everything."

"Okay, that's fine." I nodded and kissed the top of his head, feeling beyond upset. But it's a stupid thing to even be upset about so I just kept it to myself.

"I mean, do you like Christmas?"

"It's my favorite holiday." I mumbled and I heard him let out a disappointed sigh.

"Shit, Eren, I'm sorry."  There was a slight panic in his voice.

"No, no, it's okay. I mean, I did ask."

"Yeah but still. I didn't realize. Why do you like it?"

"Well...there's the basics like getting presents and shoving my face at dinner. But I also like showing other people in my life how much I love and care about them even more. I just want to make people happy and Christmas is a good way to do it."

"You and your heart of gold, I swear."

"I try."

"Okay, you three," my dad said, "dinner is served!" We all walked to the table and I was beyond thankful for everything my dad had just worked his ass off to make. These last few months have been hard on him too but he's still trying to stay strong for all of us.

"This looks amazing, Mr. Jaeger, thank you." Hange nodded, serving herself the turkey he had just made perfectly. We all went around doing the same with everything else he made. Mashed potatoes, vegetables, bread, all the basics. I went scooped up food in my fork but I just stared at it before dropping it. Hange, Mikasa, and my dad all turned their heads to the sound.

"This feels wrong." I whispered, staring at my plate. "I can't do this." I shook my head, feeling disgusted with myself.

"Eren," Mikasa gently put her hand on my arm.

"No." I raised my voice a little louder and looked up at them. "How can any of you do this?"

"Eren, please." She begged but I can't spend Christmas without Levi. I refuse.

"I'm sorry." I stood up and ran out of the house and to my car.

After a lengthy drive, I pulled into the hospital parking lot and went straight to his room. He was just the same as he always is. Just lifeless in that bed.

"Merry Christmas, Levi." I bit my lip and wiped the tears away. My face stayed the same but my heart was aching. "When you wake up, I hope you like the presents I bought you. I sorta just left the house and came here. I can't spend Christmas without you. I can't just pretend like everyone is okay, I just can't. I know you don't like Christmas either but spending it with you is all I ever want. You know I never told you about my theory. I secretly think you love Christmas. The cold weather, you like the white lights instead of the colorful lights, you like getting presents too. But what you don't like is that it's December 25th. You know that you were born on February 10th, but December 25th is your real birthday to you. But don't worry, I know. Happy Birthday, Levi. I love you so so much."