Complications Throughout Generations

Chapter 180

Eren's POV:

I had eventually gone upstairs to Levi's room. This was the only place where I felt like I could be close to him somehow. I can't stand being away from him especially like this.

I slowly pushed open the bathroom door and practically relived the scene in my head. There was chaos all around. A shattered mirror with blood in between the cracks, a crimson razor blade on the sink, small white pills scattered on the ground. Everything was stained in blood. I walked over to the shower and stared at the drain. I grabbed the bloody razor off the sink and sat at the bottom of the shower, thinking ludicrous thoughts. I held out of my hand and sliced it open with the intention of wanting to transform into my Titan form. But of course, nothing happened. But I kept trying. I was frantic to make this happen. Being a Titan was the only time I've truly felt useful and that I was helping people.

"You're so fucking stupid," I grit through my teeth with tears in my eyes. I was so focused on the harm I was causing to myself that I jumped once I felt two hands on me.

"Hey, hey, hey," Mikasa said softly, holding my trembling body, "you cry really loud." I held onto her arm, crying into it. "I'm here, Eren, I'm here."

"This is all my fault."

"No, Eren. This isn't your fault."

Hange came into the room.

"I got your text," she whispered to Mikasa then knelt down to me. "Hey." She wiped my tears away and slowly took the blade away from my reach. She grabbed a towel and pushed down on my mutilated palm.

"This was supposed to be better...for him...for everyone!"

"It is, there's just been some...bumps along the way."

"How could you fucking say that, Hange?" I was in no mood for any kind of optimism or positivity. There was none to be spread. "You grew up in foster care. You didn't have a fucking family. How is that any better than what you used to have?"

"Because I didn't have a family then either, Eren." She was patient with me. I never knew how she kept her cool in moments like this. "Never had a dad. Mom told me to stay put and that she'd be back with stuff to make dinner and never came home. I was 5. Then after that, all I had was Levi years later. So now that I have this insane memory of mine back, losing Levi just got ten times more scary than it already was." She held her hand out for me to grab as she pulled me out of the bottom of the shower. Mikasa came back into the room with first aid stuff and took my hand.

"Why did you want to see if you could turn into a Titan?" Mikasa asked with fear in her eyes. She was the last person I saw when I was actually alive. So once she asked me that question, nothing but shame washed over my being.

"I don't know," I whispered and looked down at Hange tending to my hand but I really just looked away so I didn't have to see the disappointment in Mikasa's eyes.

"I think you do."

"I don't know," I tried to be more convincing but my voice was shaky.

"Eren." She was stern and losing patience.

"I said I don't know!" But so was I.

"Yes, you do!" She shouted.

"Because that's the only time I've ever done something worth fucking living!" I screamed.

Hange slapped me. "Stop moving."

"How could you say that, Eren?" Mikasa cried.

"I'm fucking pathetic, I know!" My chin was quivering from trying to hold myself together. "All I've done is ruin everyone's lives no matter what god damn century it is."

"And you'll ruin even more if you think killing yourself or turning into a Titan will fix anything. You fucking found him, Eren. He's alive because of you."

"And I'm sure I'm why he tried to kill himself too."

"You don't know that."

"Oh, really? The one night I don't come when I say I'm going to? You think that's just a coincidence?"

"I-I," she stuttered, "I don't know."

Hange lowered my hand and seemed satisfied with her work.

"We're all guilty here in one way or another," Hange said. "We all thought he was doing better but we were too stupid to see it. We just thought because he was eating again and stopping cutting that he was back to normal."

"No," I shook my head, "you two did. I didn't. I knew he needed help and that's why I was always there. So this is on me. I fucked up."

I knew they didn't want to put the blame on me so they stayed silent.

"I guess we'll find out when he wakes up," Hange sighed.

"If," I mumbled.

"Don't fucking say that!" Mikasa immediately put her hand around my neck and slammed my back against the already cracked mirror. She pulled away in fear of herself and covered her mouth with a shaky hand.

"Hey, hey," I pulled her into my arms, "it's okay, you're okay. I'm sorry." I waved Hange over so the three of us were wrapped in each other's arms in Levi's bathroom. "When he wakes up," I corrected myself. God, I hope he wakes up soon.