Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 19

"Taehyun, come here. Don't make trouble" Chan warned as he stretched his hand for Taehyun to take but Taehyun shrunk further into the cell, not wanting to leave without an answer. After all that Beomgyu had said, how could he be willing to leave with Chan so easily?

Chan's face darkened and the policeman who had opened the cell for Chan felt goosebumps all over his body. He knew that the chilling gaze wasn't directed at him but the intensity affected him. He could literally feel the atmosphere getting denser and denser. Not wanting to witness the lovers quarrel, he tacitly slipped away.

This was one of the reasons Chan made Mingi handle everything about Taehyun. The boy could get so emotional that it made Chan irritated and Chan didn't want to spend any effort to coax him. It was quite tasking and Taehyun could be really unreasonable at times.

But deep down, Chan knew that if it were Felix, he would spare no efforts to make him happy.

"I won't leave until you tell me the entire truth!" Taehyun shouted. He had never questioned Chan before. Whatever Chan did, he went along with it, thinking Chan was just naturally cold and aloof. To think that Chan was just using him, it was a heavy blow. "I want to know everything! Who is Felix? Who is he to you? Why did you call out his name last night? Are you just using me?"

Suddenly hearing Taehyun mention Felix's name, Chan blanched. He never expected Taehyun to actually find out. He had been so careful. He never spoke of Felix. He never let Taehyun check his phone. He had kept Felix deeply hidden in his heart. He did it for so many months. How could Taehyun find out now? Just when things were going well. Just when he started to think that he and Taehyun would be together for a long time. That he would have someone he could look at and think was Felix forever.

Having his secret exposed was like peeling off his own skin. Chan's eyes went cold and his hand fell limply to his side. He was ghastly pale and he seemed as if his soul had left his body. Now, Taehyun would leave him. Just like the others before him did. The mere thought of being alone frightened him to the extreme. His heart felt empty and the chill that used to reside there after Felix's death was slowly crawling back in.

Taehyun wasn't stupid. Chan's reaction already showed what he had been expecting but hoped not to be true. He wanted Chan to say 'Felix who? There's no Felix in my life'

But it wasn't possible. Chan looked as if he had suffered a devastating loss so Taehyun knew that Beomgyu's words must be true. The person Chan loves is Felix. Not him. Tears filled Taehyun's eyes and bitterness filled his heart. The one he loves, loves another. Unrequited love. How painful.

After what Hwang Hyunjin said during dinner and when Chan called out Felix's name, coupled with how insecure he aldeady felt, he had put two and two together but not wanting to lose Chan, he slathered a thick spread of denial on top and ate it ignorantly. Not willing to face the truth.

But after his 'talk' with Beomgyu, all his fears were completely revealed. He had a lot of time to think in the cell and he came to a conclusion that Chan really was just using him. If not, why will he treat him like this? Why will he call Felix while they were together? Even Beomgyu and Chan had separated because of this Felix. Who could say that Chan won't break up with him for the same reason?

Taehyun started to cry. "It's true isn't it? You don't love me. You don't care about me at all. My feelings do not matter to you. I do not matter to you"

Chan couldn't refute. He stood silently with his head hung low. It was true. It was all true. He didn't care. If Felix appeared now, he would dump Taehyun in a heartbeat. Hyunjin's words from that dinner suddenly hit him in full force. Chan realised how truly selfish he was. He didn't love Taehyun but he wanted Taehyun to remain by his side forever. Wasn't that pure selfishness? He really didn't consider the boy's feelings. All he cared about was being with someone he could see as Felix. The feelings of that person didn't matter at all to him.

He did everything based on his needs and didn't put the boy into consideration. He knew these all along but because Taehyun had never complained seriously, Chan never took it seriously either. He thought everything could work out. But now...now that Taehyun had found out, Chan knew that keeping him was impossible. Just like the former ones.

Nobody could be Felix. Nobody could even be like Felix.

He raised his head and saw the pitiful look on Taehyun's face. Because of the platinum blonde hair, the image warped into that of Felix and Chan's heart immediately sunk to his stomach. He felt like his body was suddenly submerged in ice.

That scene sprouted in his mind again.

The time he had Felix beneath him, crying and begging. The way he hurt Felix with both his words and actions. Chan felt disgusted with himself. He loathed recalling that time and what he did. He hated seeing that look on Felix's face knowing he caused it. He caused Felix unimaginable pain and he had no way of atoning for it. Felix was already gone. 

Chan saw the whole thing replaying again. His body sagged and he stumbled backwards but didn't fall. He was so blinded by his own pain that he didn't see or even care about others. All he cared about was himself.

Now he was hurting Taehyun like he hurt Felix and Taehyun was innocent in all this. Realisation dawned on him in full force.

Chan felt he was the most despicable, most disgusting person on earth.

"Why won't you say anything?" Taehyun sobbed.

"Let's talk about this at home" Chan said, evading his question. "This is not a place to talk"

But Taehyun wasn't willing. "I won't go. Not until you tell me everything. Tell me Chris. Tell me everything I just said is a lie and you love me. Tell me you care about me. Tell me there's nobody called Felix. Tell me I'm the only one in your heart. Why won't you say anything? Why won't you deny it?"

Chan balled his fists, nails sinking into his palm, deep enough to draw blood. He knew he would surelylose Taehyun with his next words but it was something he had to do. Maybe admitting it out loud will be his first step to change for the better.

"Because it's true" he gritted out, not wanting to hide anything anymore. "Because Felix exists. I'm sorry but I love Felix and I can't let him go"

Taehyun was stunned. He didn't expect Chan to say it right to his face. He felt like he was just slapped. "W-What..."

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