Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 117

He started to panic. He was in an open space but he felt like he was suffocating. He stood up and bolted. He could vaguely hear people screaming his name but he didn't care. He just ran, not knowing where he was headed. Not knowing what he was looking for until he reached a balcony and stopped.

The air was fresh but he couldn't breathe. The moon and stars were bright in the night sky but he couldn't see. His eyes were filled with tears, flowing down his face like a waterfall.

The last time he cried so much was when his parents died. He didn't think there was anyone he would ever cry for until now and he murdered the person. He took away the life of the one person who made him feel human again.

Without his parents and Felix, there was nothing left in the world for him.

Chan climbed the edge of the balcony and gazed down at the tiny buildings and people below. He deemed them lucky. The world would be a better place without a murderer like him around.

After what he just did, he didn't deserve to live.

He tilted down but numerous hands grabbed him, preventing him from falling. He fought back. He fought back so he could just end his life and the unbearable pain that came with it but they didn't let him. He didn't know who they were but they pulled him down and hugged him.

And in their arms, Chan bawled his eyes out. He cried out his pain until he passed out.

Felix was shocked to find Chan crying and hyperventilating on the ground. It was pouring torrents and Chan was completely drenched.

"Chan!" he called as he ran towards him. He knelt before him, shaking him but Chan couldn't hear a thing.

"I'm sorry" he sobbed. The rain mixed with his tears, making his eyes red. He fisted the grass on the ground, crying as he repeated; "I'm sorry Felix. I'm sorry. Don't go. Don't leave me alone. I'm so sorry."

Felix was confused. He covered Chan with his jacket and shook him by the shoulders. "Chan, I'm here. I'm here so stop crying okay? Let's go inside. We'll both get sick at this rate."

But his words fell on deaf ears. Chan didn't even notice him. "I'm sorry Felix" he cried. "I should have believed you. I've wronged you. I don't deserve to live. I'm a monster, Felix. A fucking monster."

"Chan, what are you saying? You're not a monster." Felix said as he raised Chan's head. He then noticed that Chan's eyes were unfocused as if he wasn't in the present.

"Chan it's okay. It's okay. Stop crying." He cupped Chan's cheeks, trying to get him to focus. "I'm here Chan. Look at me. Look at me, please. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Look, I'm right here."

Chan was still crying and apologising, saying things that Felix didn't understand.

"Chan please, look at me." Felix pleaded. He tightened his hold on Chan and shouted; "Chan, look at me! I'm right here!"

Finally, Felix's voice broke through the vision of the past and clarity returned to Chan. He gazed at Felix, confused then he sighed, relieved.

"Felix...you're alive," he said and then he hugged him. "Fuck you're alive. You're okay."

Thunder rumbled and lightning struck. The rain poured heavily as they hugged each other. It was ice cold and windy but Chan had never felt warmer.

"You're here." he sobbed. "You're really here."

Felix held him tight. "Yes. I'm here Chan and it's okay. You're okay."

After Chan calmed down, Felix helped him up and they went into the house. Felix made Chan take a hot bath and then got him a clean set of clothes from the laundry room. It was just a pair of black shorts and a plain black shirt. They belonged to Changbin and Felix knew Changbin wouldn't mind if Chan wore them. He gave Chan some medicine for cold and tucked him into bed.

"I'm going to take a bath" he informed Chan who was hugging one of Felix's white fluffy pillows. "I'll get you something to eat when I come out okay?"

Chan nodded and then watched Felix until he disappeared into the bathroom.

Chan was well aware of their current relationship status. They were both single. It wasn't appropriate for him to say or do some things so he chose to remain quiet. He knew that the second he decided to speak, the words would either be; 'I love you or I miss you' and those weren't what Felix needed.

'I need to heal' Felix had said. And for that, he needed space from Chan. Chan didn't want that. He didn't want to accept it but he had to.

To love one is to let one go.

Felix's freedom, his need to heal from the scars of the past were more important than his needs for him. They were more important than his yearning to hold Felix. More important than his mental health.

He had once promised to be good to Felix. To give him whatever he wanted as long as it was within his power.

This was it. This was the moment. The test.

If he fails, he loses Felix forever.

Felix came out sometime later, wearing a sky-blue bathrobe. His brown locks were wet, sticking to his creamy skin. Chan had the sudden urge to help Felix blow dry his hair and in the process, steal a few kisses. He wanted to help him get ready for bed. Help him pick out a shirt only. No underwear. No shorts. That way, he could have easy access.

He quickly closed his eyes, trying to destroy the fantasy. He didn't have any rights. Not anymore. He wasn't Felix's boyfriend. He couldn't have such thoughts. They were disrespectful.

He heard Felix open his wardrobe. There was a  slight shuffling of clothes. He peeked a bit to find Felix putting on a grey baggy shirt. Felix turned in his direction and he quickly closed his eyes again. He dragged the duvet over his head. That way, he wouldn't be able to give in to temptation.

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