Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 68

Chan sat on the ground and pulled Felix along with him, nestling him further into his embrace. "You didn't know. It's not your fault"

Felix buried his face in Chan's chest and fisted his shirt, bawling his eyes out. "I'm so hurt Chan. Everyone lied to me. Including you whom I love so much. Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why did you hide it from me?"

Chan's heart pounded powerfully against his ribcage. He was completely shocked. Did Felix just say he loves him? He didn't dare to believe it. He didn't dare to even keep it in his mind for a single second.

If Felix should regain his memories, forget about love. Felix would not even be able to bear the sight of him.

With one hand stroking Felix's hair and the other rubbing soothing circles on his back, Chan whispered; "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hide it from you but I had to"

"And I'm asking you why" Felix sobbed. He raised his head and stared at Chan in the eyes.

Chan's heart broke into pieces the second he saw how red and swollen Felix's eyes were. The second he saw how they were filled with tears.

"Why did you hide it from me Chan?" he asked again. "How could you even bear not telling me? Weren't you hurt knowing I didn't remember you? What if I was already with someone else?"

Hearing that, Chan tightened his hold on Felix, bringing them even closer. "You're mine, Felix" he declared possessively. "Please don't talk about being with anyone else. I can't take it"

Felix felt warm both in and out. He was happy to know that Chan still loves him so much. But he also wanted to know the truth. He stared at Chan expectantly and Chan sighed, knowing he couldn't evade the question anymore.

"Because the doctors said not to" he said, succumbing to Felix's stern look. "Not just me. All of us. Changbin, Hyunjin, your cousins, Jeongin. The doctors who treated you advised us to not tell you. They said your life would be better if you didn't remember"

"Bullshit" Felix hissed. "How is my life better? These, -he touched his hair and his clothes- These are not me. I don't do natural hair colours. I don't dress so...so...simple. This is not me Chan. You know me. The real me. How can you love who I am now?"

"I love you the same Felix" he said with a smile, ruffling Felix's hair. "Even if you dye your hair green or wear women's clothing or use expletives in every sentence you say, I will still love you the same. You have no idea how deeply my love runs for you"

Chan's words melted Felix's anger instantly and he blushed deep, becoming meek in Chan's arms. "But what happened to me that the doctors gave that kind of advice? Was I really in an accident?"

Chan tensed. That was the question he was dreading to hear.

"I remember a bit of my past" Felix revealed making Chan tense even further but Felix was busy thinking about the things he remembered so he didn't notice. "I know that we've been together for a long time but I can't really remember how we met or how we separated. My memories are not complete. What happened to me? Was I really in a coma for two years?"

"I can't tell you anything about that Felix" Chan answered. "The doctors said you won't be able to handle it. I can't even bear the thought of hurting you so can you please, let it go for now?"

Felix's expression went blank and Chan knew that Felix wasn't pleased with his answer.

He started to panic. "I'm not saying we won't tell you okay" he quickly spoke, knowing first hand how difficult Felix could be when he gets angry. "We'll tell you. We'll tell you everything but only with the permission of the doctors. We'll go to the hospital tomorrow and get you checked up okay. If they say you're fine and you can handle it, we'll tell you. I promise"

But Felix didn't agree. "I just want to know if I was involved in an accident or something. Why will it affect me so badly that we need their permission? What happened to me? Was it very bad?"

'So bad that you nearly killed yourself' Chan thought but instead said; "It was bad enough that we broke up and I thought you were dead for five years"

"Did you do something to me?" Felix asked, shocked. "Or was it related to my father? My mum doesn't speak to me about him you know. Did he do something? Is that why he left me and mum? Was it that he left and I couldn't handle it so I got in an accident and lost my memories?"

Chan remained silent, not knowing what to say. After all, he was the one who put Felix's dad in prison.

"Or was it related to Jisung?" he asked. "Jisung also disappeared and Jeongin refused to talk about him. He just tells me to forget about him but Jisung was my best friend. How can I forget?"

Not able to take it anymore, Chan stood up while carrying Felix in his arms, bridal style.

"Hey!" Felix exclaimed not expecting it at all. He started to struggle. "Hey we're not done yet! Put me down! We have so much more to talk about. Don't think I've forgiven you Chan. I haven't! You're hiding so many important things from me. You must tell me! Chan!"

Naturally, Felix couldn't escape Chan's hold so he struggled and struggled but when he realised he couldn't break free, he stayed still, pursing his lips and silently fuming.

Chan couldn't help but laugh at how cute Felix was. It annoyed Felix further but there was nothing Felix could do about it.

Knowing Felix was really hurt, Chan planted a kiss on his forehead and nuzzled their noses together. "You'll know the truth eventually baby. Just be patient okay"

Hearing the word 'baby' from Chan's lips triggered another string of memories from Felix's mind. He groaned softly because of the slight headache that came with them.

They were more memories of the times he and Chan were intimate. He recalled the times Chan called him baby in bed and he blushed uncontrollably. He really loved it when Chan used endearments to address him. It made him feel that they were really in a relationship.

Still, he couldn't help but think about why Chan would think he was dead for five years.

Then he remembered the time he had asked Changbin and Hyunjin about it in the hospital. Back then, he thought he and Chan's Felix were different. Changbin said that he and Chan had a huge fight. Chan did things he wasn't supposed to do and then...then...

He sighed as he couldn't remember what Changbin said afterwards.

He wondered what kinds of things Chan did. They had to be really bad since Chan didn't want to talk about it. Felix also knew how unreasonable he could be sometimes so he decided not to take any decisions until he knew the complete truth.

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