Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 116

It hurt.

It hurt so bad.

Chan felt like his heart was being repeatedly pierced by a million needles. Over and over and over again. His head ached. He felt weak and lifeless. As if his energy and soul were sucked away by a vacuum. He couldn't see anything. He couldn't hear anything.

As if the entire world had disappeared before him. He felt as if he was circling in a dark void. Alone.

The hand that used to hold him wasn't there anymore. The light that used to make him warm had vanished, leaving him cold and empty.

Chan hadn't felt this way since Felix's death.

Although Felix was very much alive, having the thread of their connection severed, he plunged into the same despair he felt that day.

This time, only deeper.

It was always worse when you taste sweetness for a moment and then you were deprived of it forever.

That taste, that feeling, would always remain in your brain, ingrained in your heart, in a way that it would torture you by yearning for it while knowing you could never have it.

It was as if he was thrown five years back, in the Lee mansion, kneeling before Felix's deathly pale body.

"No, no you can't do this" he cried.

Felix's body was cold. He could feel the fingers getting stiff. His lips were turning pale blue.

Everyone around him was crying, calling out to Felix to stay but Felix kept saying he wanted to go. He said Aera was waiting for him and he had nothing else to live for.

"No, no I take it back" Chan sobbed. "I take it all back. I'm sorry Felix. I'm sorry. Please, don't go."

He wiped his tears and carried Felix, shouting at the policemen to get out of his way. He hurried to their car and placed Felix in the backseat. He didn't know who else had followed. All he could think about was getting Felix to the hospital as soon as possible.

Chan drove through the streets like a madman, honking at cars and zipping past traffic lights. When they arrived at the hospital, he practically yelled at the nurses to get to work. His Felix was in danger.

It was when Felix's body was being wheeled into the emergency room that Chan finally realised what Felix meant to him. It was then that all the suppressed emotions burst out, making him realise that he didn't want to lose Felix. He wanted Felix to be alive. He wanted to see him smile, hear him talk, watch him laugh and have fun. He wanted to wake up next to Felix every morning, kiss him and make him breakfast. He wanted to be with him every moment of every day, laugh and talk like they used to. He wanted to take care of him.

The illusion of Felix his father had forced onto him burned away, leaving nothing but the truth.

The truth he had refused to acknowledge. That Felix was innocent. The boy wasn't perfect. Nobody is but he was innocent.

Felix was radiant and warm, like the shining sun and as the emergency room doors shut, it was as if his lifeline was cut.

Chan saw darkness. As if all the lights of the hospital had gone down and the only source of light was coming from the emergency room. Far away from him. No matter what he did, he could not go inside. They would never let him in.

Chan realised that his life used to be like that. Dark and quiet. Lonely and scary. Ever since his parents died, he derived joy from very little things. Nothing excited him. He regarded Mr Yoongi as his saviour and lived to serve him. His own happiness never mattered to him. In fact, he never knew what joy was until he met Felix.

Felix had crashed into his life and with him came all sorts of colours. All sorts of emotions. Things he never knew he could feel. Intense and very real. So real that he was scared to face them and allowed his father to manipulate him. To make him shut out those feelings and harm the one person he truly loved in the entire world.

Every second of waiting was like a long excruciating hour. Chan couldn't sit still. He kept pacing, praying for Felix to be okay.

He promised to change. He promised to be good to Felix. He promised to love him and take care of him. He promised to never hurt him again. He promised to be good. He just wanted Felix to be saved. He didn't care about Mr Yoongi anymore. He would focus on his future with Felix. That is if Felix still wanted him.

No. He would make Felix want him back. He would do everything he could to make Felix fall in love with him again. Nobody had ever loved him and trusted him the way Felix did.

The boy's love for him was pure and true. There was never any pretence. He just never believed.

"Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay" he kept chanting over and over again. He cupped his hands towards the sky and prayed. "I know I don't turn to you often but please, Felix doesn't deserve this. Let him live okay. Give him back to me."

When Felix was announced dead, Chan's world slowly crumbled away. Like building bricks falling one after the other, his sanity, his feelings, everything fell apart.

The pain was indescribable.

He fell to his knees the second Felix's body was rolled out, covered with a white sheet. He didn't want to believe it. He was too scared to check.

There was only one thing on his mind and it was that he caused Felix's death.

He had murdered the person the loved.

The thought was so nauseating that he puked on the hospital floor. He was disgusted with himself. He wasn't comfortable in his own skin. He wanted to peel it off, to hurt himself, to feel anything that wasn't as excruciating as the one he felt within. He placed his hand over his aching chest and squeezed, diving his nails into the skin, deep enough to draw blood.

He couldn't picture a life without Felix. When he tried, all he saw was darkness. Him, standing alone. Everywhere was pitch black. The voices were whispering over and over, calling him a piece of shit, a cold-hearted monster, a murderer.

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