Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 10

"I need him" was the highest explanation he could give. He wasn't used to talking about his feelings. He had only done that with one person and that was Felix. Then, he didn't even realise it but that boy brought out the real him. Now that Felix was gone, naturally, that part of him died too.

Hyunjin was stunned. "You need him? For what exactly? Felix is dead. Why can't you accept that? Have you ever thought that what you're doing is disrespecting Felix?"

There was finally a crack in the mask. Changbin and Hyunjin were somewhat startled to see the conflicting emotions in Chan's eyes. As if one part wanted Taehyun at all costs and the other wanted to respect Felix. He looked so... torn.

"I think you should stop here honey" Changbin adviced Hyunjin. "That was a heavy enough blow. Anymore and I don't think he can take it". Changbin hadn't read the reports yet but he could tell that Chan was really unstable.

But Hyunjin wasn't satisfied. He wanted Chan to realise that what he was doing wasn't right. Ignoring Changbin, he continued, "You're ruining Taehyun's life Chris. Better let him go before it's too late or the heartbreak the boy will suffer will be much worse. Have you thought that what you're doing to him is somehow the same thing you did to Felix back then? You're toying with his feelings. Also, you're disrespecting Felix and his love for you by making someone else pretend to be him. There can only be one Felix and he's gone. Get that Chris? Taehyun is not Felix!" 

Chan's eyes dimmed and he didn't say anything. He only lowered his head so no one could tell what he was thinking. But actully, his mind was in chaos. He knew. He knew that Taehyun was not Felix. Who knew their differences better than him?

But he didn't know he was disrespecting Felix. Chan shuddered, his heart squeezing in pain. Even after Felix's death, he was still inflicting pain on his soul. He wondered how Felix would feel up there, watching him let anther person take his place and even forcing the person to be like him. Chan thought Felix would never forgive him.

Then again, Felix would really never forgive him. What he did five years ago, Felix would never forgive him for it so what's wrong in adding one more? He couldn't bear to lose the 'Felix' he has now. He would go crazy.

As that thought came to mind, Taehyun returned to the table with a small smile. His face didn't show it but his mind was reeling with the new information. No one noticed him when he walking towards the table but he had heard the last two sentences.

'Get that Chris? Taehyun is not Felix!'

He wondered, who was Felix? And why did Hyunjin say that?

Since Taehyun had returned, Hyunjin could only reluctantly drop the matter. He forced a smile and brought up another topic, chatting away with Taehyun.

Changbin sighed, watching Chan. He couldn't tell what Chan was thinking. He could only hope it was something good.

Feeling agitated and somewhat suffocated, Chan's hand found Taehyun's under the table and squeezed it, hoping to find some relief but he didn't. The hand wasn't a perfect fit. Not like Felix's. This time, with Chan's mind in complete chaos, he couldn't manage. Desperate, he suddenly tugged Taehyun into his arms and hugged him tight. He buried his nose in his neck and inhaled deeply.

The sweet scent of vanilla rushed into his nostrils and calmed his heart. The wild thoughts in his head also settled down.

Changbin and Hyunjin were stunned. Taehyun was too but his body relaxed in Chan's arms and he hugged him back, also needing it. Felix who? That person must be Chan's past. Taehyun reminded himself again. He is the present and hopefully, the future.

It was only for a some seconds but Chan felt a lot better. He released Taehyun and faced Hyunjin with a determined look. Then he repeated, "I need him"

This time, Hyunjin had nothing else to say so he sighed and ate his food quietly. He knew Chan well. There was nothing he could do about it. Especially when Taehyun was also willing to stay by Chan's side. 

At the end, Changbin didn't get to announce the purpose of the dinner and both parties left after they were full. Oh well, the news could wait. It's not like this was the last time they would meet. Now, he had to read the reports and prepare well before his meeting with Mingi.

Back at the villa, Chan and Taehyun had settled in bed. The lights were off and the room was covered in complete darkness. Chan had Taehyun in his arms, his chest to Taehyun's back, their breathing slow and steady but no one was asleep.

Both were disturbed by their own thoughts.

Chan kept mulling over what Hyunjin had said during dinner. This time, with Taehyun in his arms, his cheek resting against Taehyun's hair and the smell of vanilla surrounding him, he could think somewhat clearly. He knew Hyunjin was right. He shouldn't be doing this to Taehyun for he knew he couldn't return the boy's feelings but he was also selfish and wanted to keep him because Taehyun was his coping mechanism.

With Taehyun, he didn't have to worry about losing control.

He leaned close and planted a kiss on the back of Taehyun's neck, making Taehyun shiver. Chan was a bit surprised. He thought Taehyun had fallen asleep long ago. "Can't sleep?"

Taehyun hummed then sighed. "There are too many things on my mind"

Chan sighed. "Me too"

They went silent.

Taehyun was expecting Chan to ask him what he was thinking about but Chan didn't and kept silent. He gripped the sheets lightly and gritted his teeth. It definitely wasn't how a boyfriend should behave. Did Chan really not care about his worries? 

Later, Taehyun spoke up. "I have plans tomorrow. I'm going to hang out with my friends. I hope you don't mind"

He needed people to talk to. He still couldn't get what he overheard out of his mind. He wondered, why would Hyunjin say that? And who was Felix? Why has he never heard of him before? Or could Felix be Chan's first ex?

The thought had his heart racing in fear.

"I don't mind" Chan replied. "Just make sure you inform Mingi of your whereabouts and don't come back late. Okay?"

"Okay" he answered softly. There it is again. Asking to report to Mingi. As if Mingi was his manager.

Chan lifted his hand and began to gently stroke Taehyun's hair. This went on for quite a while. With the rubbing, Taehyun couldn't help but feel drowsy. It felt really good. The grieviances in his heart were melting away with each stroke.

Feeling Taehyun's body relax and his breathing even out, Chan thought he was already asleep. He pulled Taehyun even closer and planted a kiss by his ear then whispered, "Goodnight....Felix..."

Taehyun's heart sunk to his stomach.

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