Love, Not War (Book 2)

Chapter 120

Chan took a deep breath and exhaled heavily then released Felix, scooting back to put some space between them. He stared Felix in the eyes and smiled sadly. "I know I did things you may never be able to forgive me for but I'll wait Felix. I want to believe that you still have feelings for me, no matter how little so, I'll wait. I'll wait for you to heal and call me back. No matter how long it takes."

The last sentence reverberated within Felix's mind. 'No matter how long it takes'. It sounded like a promise.

He didn't say anything. He couldn't. His chest felt stuffy. The Chan before him and the Chan crying in the rain were overlapping and his emotions were surging.

Chan noticed and his features softened. He didn't want to overwhelm Felix so he laughed and ruffled Felix's hair. "Don't think too much okay. Brush your teeth and go to bed. I'll clean up."

Felix didn't refuse. He didn't feel like doing anything anyway.

It only took a few minutes for Chan to clean up then they got ready for bed.

"You can have your bed. I'll sleep downstairs" Chan said.  

"Just stay here." Felix quickly said before Chan could leave. "We can share. It's big enough."

Chan's eyes widened. It wasn't about the size for Chan. It was a matter of control. Didn't Felix know that asking to share a bed with him was like asking to sleep beside a wolf? With such a prey, he didn't think he'd be able to keep his hands to himself. He wanted to refuse but Felix quickly sat up and said; "I insist. At least, let's spend one night together okay. Tomorrow, we go our seperate ways."

His reason for this was Chan's panic attack. It really scared him to see Chan that way. Although he had a lot of questions, he felt they could wait for now. Chan needed a good night's sleep and maybe he'll be able to get it if they sleep together. That way, Chan won't think he was dead again.

Since Felix was adamant, Chan had no choice. Felix turned off the lights and laid on his left. Chan scooted to the very edge, wanting to keep a good distance. He didn't want to upset Felix. After all, they were no longer together.

He groaned lowly. It was really so hard. He could smell Felix's sweet vanilla shampoo from where he was and Felix's scent was also on the sheets and pillow. It was like sweet torture. Like having a delicious cake before you but it was forbidden to eat.

Chan really wanted to touch Felix. Even if it was a hug or just holding hands.

They both remained silent, each lost in their own thoughts.

Some time later in the night, Chan felt Felix scoot close. A hand came upon his own and squeezed.

"It'll be okay, Chan" Felix whispered, rubbing this thumb on Chan's skin. "We'll be okay."

It was as if there was magic in Felix's words. Chan was able to relax and they both fell into a deep slumber.

********

The sun had risen, shining it's rays through the tiny gaps between the curtains. It was 12:15 pm and Felix had just woken up. He yawned and stretched then turned to find the other side of the bed empty.

A note was carefully folded and kept on the pillow which Chan had used. There was a golden necklace beside it with a beautiful oval shaped locket.

Felix frowned slightly. Chan left without telling him then. Well, it wasn't his problem anymore and he wasn't supposed to be upset but he couldn't help the pang of pain he felt in his heart.

"Endure it, Felix" he said to himself, rubbing his chest. "Everything will be okay."

He stretched and picked up both items on the pillow then laid down again with a sigh. He placed the necklace on his chest then opened the note, eager to see what Chan had written to him.

'I miss you already'. was the first sentence in the letter. Felix imagined the way Chan looked as he wrote the words. Maybe the idiot looked like a lost puppy. He was giving him looks of abandonment last night. As if he had been cast away by his owner.

Well in Chan's defence, he was truly cast away by Felix.

'As I'm writing this, I miss you, Felix. I miss you a lot and I'm going to miss you even more because I won't be around you anymore.'

At that point, Felix felt his heart pound. He quickly sat up and read the sentence again carefully, afraid that Chan had given up on them so soon. Didn't he say he'll wait? Felix was starting to get angry. If Chan was going to give up, he'd make sure to beat him bloody!

'Until you call me back, I won't come before you again. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just afraid of the things I would say or do if I'm around you. Last night was a struggle and I don't want to break my promise to you.'

Felix let out a relieved sigh and his mind calmed. So Chan wasn't giving up.

'I want to be a man worthy of you, Felix. Worthy of your love. I want to be able to give you everything you want. To love you, to protect you. You told me you don't feel safe around me anymore. You said you feel as if there's a hidden camera or something anytime we're together. You do not trust me anymore. I don't want you to feel that way around me. You have no idea how devastated I was to hear that, Felix. It broke me.'

Felix felt a little sad but it was true. He didn't feel safe and secure like he used to around Chan. Until last night, after Chan's panic attack. He wanted them to talk about it in the morning but Chan had already disappeared. He shrugged and continued to read.

'I felt like I had lost everything in this world. As if my existence was useless. At that moment, I had different thoughts. Dangerous thoughts. Thoughts that would make you hate me forever. I thought of  many ways to keep you by my side. Always. But Felix, if you're not willing to be mine, if you're not willing to have me back, to love me like you used to, I don't think I'd be happy and neither would you. I care about you, Felix. I don't want to see you hurt. I'd destroy anyone or anything that made you upset but this time, I'm the one who hurt you. I guess I'm selfish for I can't destroy myself. I can only hope for your forgiveness which I know I do not deserve but Felix, baby, I'll make things better okay. I'll give you back your life, your reputation, your family, everything I took from you, I'll give you back. I promise, Felix.'

'I've realised that there's something wrong with me and I'm going to get help so I can become a better person for you. I love you Felix and for you, I'll do anything. Anything at all. I'd go to the ends of the earth if I have to.The wounds of the past are still fresh and the ones you recently discovered are even deeper. I guess we both need time apart to heal. As I said, I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.

Love, Chan.'

Felix's eyes were already filled with tears by the time he finished reading. "Chan..." he whispered. "I love you too..."