MCU One-Shots

Experimentation~ Hawksilver

AN: Another one down.

~Clint~

I laid in bed and stared at the celing as I thought about all my life choices. Becoming an avenger being the most surprising one. I never thought I would be here. I didn't think I would be able to help anyone a couple years ago. The avengers were created before I even joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and became an agent. I was assigned to be in the group by Fury. I was given the chance to turn it down, but I didn't. I don't know why. I just felt drawn to the group despite everything. The crash, the murders, the fire, and the abuse. None of it mattered when I was here. Now when i'm staring at the ceiling, everything hit me. I didn't know if I could be in this group anymore with everything that i've done. Steve would never forgive me. Tony would look at me like I was crazy. Nat would never speak to be again. Bruce might understand, but would still be afraid. Thor would just be pissed and I would see an early grave. I often stayed in my room when I got into these moods. It was relaxing to just be alone and think about everything that I have messed up.

It made me feel more down to earth than when i'm fighting. After New York, I didn't know who I was anymore. Being controlled like that took away my sense of pride. What little I had of it anyway. I was ready for death in that moment when I jumped off the roof. I almost wished for the arrow to break, but Tony isn't that reckless. He would always reinforce them to make sure I wouldn't get hurt. I didn't understand how so many people, that are so good, could stand being around someone like me. I was basically useless in battle anyway, so what did it matter if I was there or not. When the party rolled around for getting the sceptor, I didn't want to go. I put on a smile and got dressed anyway. Faking through these things have always been easy. I had to do it a lot. The night basically flew by before the avengers were left by themselves. I didn't consider myself an avenger. Avengers were supposed to be heroes. Avengers were supposed to be good people who would never hurt anyone. I wasn't either of those.

I didn't deserve to be in this group. I didn't know if I felt like this because it was the anniversary of the fire, but I didn't care. I knew Nat could tell that something was off with me. I ignored her gaze and continued plastering the smile on my face. It never reached my eyes. It seemed like everyone in the room could tell. My side was still a little sore from getting shot, and those blue eyes wouldn't get out of my head. Something about him was different. I shook my head to stop thinking about it, and made my sarcastic jokes. Our comversation was cut short by a robotic voice. I didn't catch what he said, but an explosion sent everyone flying. I had no hearing, but I was still taking the robots down. It was a struggle, but I made it through. I secretly put my hearing aids back in when the fight was over and followed everyone to the lab. I stayed silent. "He's been through everything. Probably knows more about us than we know about each other" Nat glanced at me, but I kept my poker face. I knew what she was thinking about, but I kept my past off files. 

Nat didn't know about my past, just knew I didn't like talking about it. I couldn't get it out of my head though. No matter how much I ignored it, I couldn't get it to go away. She also didn't kow that I kept it off files. I kept everything about me off files. Looking up my name would get you nothing. The only thing that would show up would be avenger stuff. I snapped out of my thoughts when Thor had Tony in a choke hold. That would be me if he knew anything about me and I knew it. He didn't like people getting hurt. He really didn't like the people that hurt other people. Everything went by in a flash, and soon we had tracked Ultron down. My bad luck caught up with me quickly and the kid from the field was there. His sister as well. I ignored it and continued waiting. The word was said and all hell broke loose. The fight started and I stayed back to cover people. I wasn't good enough though. The girl got in their heads, but I saw her before she saw me and came over.

I stuck and electricity arrow to her head "Done the whole mind control thing, not a fan". I went to take the arrow off, but was shoved back into glass. The kid sped off with his sister "Better run" I stood and dusted the glass off of myself. I looked for anyone still standing. I called to them through the comms. Nobody replied. I felt alone again. That was until I found Nat. She was delirious and couldn't even see me. I tried getting her to wake up as Tony called through the comms "Could really use a lullaby". I sighed "That not going to happen anytime soon. Whole team is down. You got no backup here". He replied, but I was focused on getting Nat to snap out of it. I heard Tony fighting with the hulk on the other end and lifted Nat. I led her to the helicarrier and looked for the others to get them here. They found me first. "Where's Natasha?" I point to the helicarrier "On board". We waited for a while before tony showed up with a defeated looking Banner. He sat on the floor and pulled a blanket around himself.