Rain ~ h.s. (au)

Chapter 79

omg guys I am so terribly sorry for not updating please hate on me because I deserve it

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-Ivy xx

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The past is finally reaching me. There's no way of escaping it now. It's time to face it and embrace the person I was once. I'm tired of running, keeping it away from everyone. It has costed me a lot. 

It was hard explaining everything to the boys. I wish there is a way to make it sound easier to take in, but there is no way. I was a monster, slowly becoming like Justin and that's the fact I'm not proud of. But, there's nothing I could do. I was young and lost in my feelings and guilt and Justin was an opportunity to get away from everything. He was so amazing to me back then. Just the way people looked at him, the power he had made me want that. It made me want to be like him, being the boss and be hero to those people. But, it was too late when I realized in how much bullshit I got in.

The people I was hanging around with, pretending that they are my friends, were the biggest criminals. People who's lives depended on drugs and robberies. I thought that was cool. Having money and not doing absolutely anything. Not having to work in my step-dad's company was the best feeling ever. At least, I thought so. But, like I said, it was too late when I realized there was going to be a criminal record in my files. The saddest thing is, I enjoyed. At first, I was enjoying in being a part of so many robberies. I thought I was cool when I was sitting in that gloomy room with people who were drunk, high and treated women like they were nothing. 

I almost lost my friends and my family and I had to lie to keep them close to myself. I was a selfish bastard and unfortunately, still am. I'm not going to blame Justin nor anyone for that. It's all my fault. My decisions made  these consequences. The look on the boys' faces is one of them. Losing Christine is one of them. Becoming a fucked up mess is one of them. 

In these four years I became a man I never hoped to become. I thought I was cool. Black sunglasses to hide the bags under my eyes or a bruise from yesterday's fight. Wearing nothing but black and insulting people. Using other women and helplessly trying to find a replacement for her. 

Ashley was just one of them. She was the part of my plan and I used her like she was not even a human. After that I called her when I needed someone to fuck and she was always there. She was so in love with me, so full of hope that I'd change and love her like she deserves. But, I never could.

And then, she appeared after so many years. With that playful spark in her bright eyes and that cheeky smile playing on her lips. She just came out of nowhere and flipped my world upside down again. She brought all the memories back and woke up the faith in me. She made me regret everything I've done more than ever in my life. I was ashamed and afraid to tell her everything and just stop everything that has happened lately to happen again. But, no. I was a fool and was so sure that she was going to walk out of the door and kick me out of her life. How could I ever think that? How could I possibly think that the person who forgave me everything and still loved me like crazy would do that? How could I have so little trust in her? 

I had this idea of keeping her away from me. This crazy thought that I'd actually manage to do that. But, than she showed up in my flat and cleaned my bruises. She knelt down in front of me and started touching my wounds, fixing them every time her fingertips would touch my skin. After that night, there was no way of letting her go. There was no way I'd give up.