Rain ~ h.s. (au)

Chapter 86

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-Ivy xx

Christine's POV

As I sit in the room Justin gave me, my thoughts wonder of to my sixteen old self. Harry said I never changed, but I did. I changed my attitude and my opinions on a few things. I got stronger and braver, but deep inside I still feel like a little girl. I mean look at me.

Looking through the window and waiting for Harry to come and save me. Waiting for him to come and tell me how everything will be okay from now and I'd believe him. I'm foolishly dreaming about some scenarios that I know won't happen. If I ever get out of here, nothing between Harry and I will stay the same. I won't look at him the way I used to. He will change; he'll look at me like a thing he is obligated to protect. I'm not sure I can even believe him any more. 

Everything I believed was true till now when it has changed and turned into a complete lie. How can I know that he won't lie to my any more? How can I be sure that I can trust him a hundred percent? It just all seems like a huge lie to me. 

I know that from the moment I leave this place and see Harry, both of us will be scarred. I know he's blaming himself for this. And he should because it is his fault. I didn't have to be, but it is. I was protecting him all this time, finding excuses to prove that he's not a bad person, but I won't do it any more. I can't. I don't know what excuse I might use for this. There's just no excuse for this. 

All that time I thought that I knew Harry better than anyone. But, I guess I was the only one who knew this so little. I should be able to know him in his soul, to know what his next move will be, but I don't. I think everything that has happened between us in this five months is a mistake. 

We rushed into things. We weren't thinking at all. I think it was the thrill we both felt when we saw each other after so many years that pulled us together. All those feelings we both were trying to forget just came out of nowhere and caught us unprepared. We thought that we could make everything so simple like it was before. But, we were only sixteen and seventeen. We were much older and we both changed. But, I guess we refused to believe in that. We didn't want to except the fact that we have both changed and how it would be batter if we tried to get to know each other once again. 

A lot of things happened in those four years. It wasn't just us finding new lovers, but something inside of us changed. Or at least I think that. The truth is actually simple in my case. He made me feel alive again. Like he gave me air to breathe. he made me feel like this sixteen years old girl again. I could notice that about myself. The way how I started acting, careless and giggly, like there was nothing in the world that mattered more to me that him. 

You'll say that's the way it has to be, but it wasn't good for us. We created this bubble around us and tried to make everybody think how we're still those sixteen years old couple. I feel like the only true thing between us was our love. No matter of the things and accidents happening around us, it stayed true and pure. Everyday I loved him a little bit more. 

Sometimes, I feel like this love will kill me. I can feel it burning inside of me and I'm just waiting for myself to go up in flames. He does this to me, makes me insane and makes me love it. He makes me love the feeling I get when I'm with him. I feel reckless and young, like there's nothing in my way to stop me. 

But, I hate it, I hate the fact that I can't leave him. I don't feel like I should part from him. I don't want to. But, I know he'll push me to do it. I know he'll tell me I'm better of without him, how I deserve much better. But, I'm not. I'm nothing without him. I'm lost in a world full of people and he's the only one who can find me and take me some place safe.