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I sat down on the grass, looking through my phone. I had pictures with my grandma. We were smiling in all of them.
I even had a video from when she was staying with me while Jah was on tour. She was playing peekaboo with Jamal.
Tears slowly ran down my face as I smiled at the memories.
I leaned on the tombstone and took another chug of my drink. Tequila..I needed something strong.
I had came to visit my mom, something I haven't done in a long time. I'd always sneak out of the house at night to vent to her about random teenage shit.
Of course, people thought it was weird...but it's my mom..
"Hey mom.." I sniffled. "I'm going through a hard time right now. It hurts so much to even think about her. She raised me when you couldn't anymore. I didn't have the best relationship with her but she was always in my heart. I loved her. It kills me to know she did this to herself. I don't want to believe it.."
I watched the stars shine in the night sky.
"It's been a rough. I lost my relationship with my grandmother, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, my boyfriend cheated on me multiple times and I've returned to him every single time. i got pregnant again and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He's my life. I fixed my relationship with grandma. Jah went on tour and I stayed with her. She found out about the reopening of your case. She told me my dad killed you...she disappeared...they told me I couldn't have kids anymore..."
I wiped my tears with my sleeve and took another sip.
"If I lose anybody else, I'll lose my mind...i feel like I already am. The person who is helping me the most is my boyfriend, Jahseh. My son cheers me up a lot but he doesn't really understand what's going on right now. Jahseh, on the other hand, is doing anything and everything he can to make me feel listened to and appreciated. I know he doesn't want me to slip down into a dark hole of depression. That's what he's scared of. He wants to see me happy, but it's a difficult to even be happy at a time like this."
I brought my knees up.
"I don't want to see them leave me. From my luck, everybody leaves. I don't think I have enough in me to watch them just disappear from my life, mom. I can't do this. I love Jamal and Jahseh, but what should I do?"
"Talk to me. Explain to me what you feel. I'll help you understand what 𝘐 feel." I heard Jahseh say before sitting down beside me.
I wiped my tears and looked at my feet. "How'd you find me?"
"We share locations." He stuffed his phone in his pocket.
I leaned my head on his shoulder.
"I hate seeing you like this.." He sighed in deep sorrow. "I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could destroy it.." He stayed quiet..waiting for me to respond. "Talk to me.."
"Please..my heart can't take this damage.."
"You have to cry.. tell me everything on your mind. Express yourself. Yell it at me, I don't care, just as long as you get all this pain out. You can't drink your problems away.."
I laid my head back. I rethought everything. I started full on bawling onto his chest as he rubbed my back up and down.
"I'm here for you. Always have been and always will be. I'll never hurt you. I want you safe and healthy. I need you here with me."
....
I sat in the car and waited for Jah to open my door.
He opened it and helped me out. "Everybody was a little worried.." he scratched his neck. "You kinda disappeared on me and I freaked out."
I chuckled softly. I opened the door and saw everybody run towards the door.
"Kilani! Where you been!" Billie hugged me tightly. She pulled away, along with the bottle of tequila.
Ski, Kat and Dani were here.
"How long was I gone?" I slightly slurred.
"Girl you've been gone 4 hours." She pushed her phone into my face. "It's midnight."
"Where you been kila?" Ski asked.
"I went to visit my mom." I shrugged. "Where's Jamal?"
"In y'alls room. Sleeping." Kat replied. She walked over to me and hugged me. "I'm sorry, Kila.."
"Me too.." I sighed. "I'mma be upstairs."
They nodded.
I walked up the stairs to my room. Jamal was laying peacefully on the bed. My baby boy...
My life. I'd do anything for him..
I tiptoed into my closet and grabbed some clothes so I can change into them after I shower.
...after the shower...
I changed into my clothes and stepped out of the room for a little and watched over the stairs.
Jahseh was talking to Dani, Kat, Ski, and Billie. They seemed to be having a deep conversation.. probably about me since they're whispering.
I sighed quietly and returned to my room. I laid on the bed.
Jamal fluttered his eyes open.
"It's me baby boy..go back to sleep." I whispered.
He wrapped his hand around my finger and closed his eyes.
I brushed my hand through his hair. "Te quiero mucho ... de verdad. Yo no voy a dejar qué te hagan daño bebésito. Estoy pasando por algo, pero voy a salir de eso. Necesito que me ayudes con solo seguir sonriendo...por favor.."
