"Only time I feel pain, when I'm feelin' love
That's why it's tatted on my face that I'm damn numb
Only time I'm in my mind, when I'm all alone
That's why I'm never really alone in the night time
Change hoes like clothes, I can't get attached
'Cause these hoes fire starters like lit matches
I've been feelin' really lost, duckin' all attachments
I don't really go outside 'cause I hate traffic
I don't wanna go outside, get caught in traffic, traffic."
I nodded my head the soft beat.
Jamal was mesmerized by Jahseh's voice. Jah replaying his vocals in the studio he has in our house. We're just sitting on the couch, listening to him.
"Mama, look!"
"I know baby.." I smiled at him. "His voice is pretty right?"
He nodded in agreement. "I want to sing too."
"Tu puedes cantar si quisieras, chiquito." I said.
He tilted his head.
I chuckled at his confusion. I forgot he doesn't understand Spanish quite yet. I get my Spanish genes from my mother and grandma.. I think I should pass it down.
"Can you sing one of daddy's songs?"
He thought for a while. "I don't know da words, mama."
I brushed his hair out of his face. "You can hum it." I hummed 'Revenge'.
He listened to me and then started doing it himself.
"I've dug two graves for us my dear, can't pretend that I was perfect leaving you in fear."
"Oh man what a world the things I hear, if I could act on my revenge, oh, would I."
He smiled and clapped. "I love you momma."
"I love you too baby boy."
Jah turned in his chair took off his headphones. "Ma you sing beautiful."
I giggled. "I wanna make a career out of it like you."
"Hop in the studio."
I laughed. "Nooo.."
"I'm being for real! Go on." He opened the door. "I legit got some beat Trippie sent me."
I placed Jamal on his feet and I got up hesitantly. "How? I'm not even good."
"You gotta put your feelings out. Go!"
I jumped excitedly into the studio and put on the headphones.
"I'm playing the beat."
This started playing through my headphones.
Ignore Trippie and ayleks, it's just the instrumental.
I stepped up to the Mic and thought of all the words to say...
"Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield
Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield."
Jah was rocking with my lines. He was hyping me up. Jamal giggled and jumped around.
"As my shield, as my shield
You fucking broke my heart so now it gotta heal
It fucking hurts so much, I swear it isn't real
Thank you for switching up, I finally see the real you
The real you, the real you
Like riding bikes, you got my mind up in a loop
Mentally taking hikes while riding in a coupe
Mentally hella high, it help me count the loot
You working hella hard, my soul you gon' pollute
I wanna shoot, shoot
Wish I ain't gave a fuck about you!"
I thought about all these shit that's been happening. I just wish I couldn't feel! I wish I didn't have to go through all this bullshit!
"Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield
Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield."
I shook my head, continuing my words without hesitation.
"Lost in this world with no place that I wanna be
I'm telling you, I loved you so faithfully
Fuck it, now the darkness the place for me
That energy can't handle the capacity
So I skrtt off in a race car
I tried to go to Mars, you made me wanna pop a bar, ah
All that bullshit is a love scar
You wanna make it hard then fuck me like a pornstar, ah."
I took a second to breathe..
"The darkness, it waits for me
The darkness, it praises me
The darkness embraces me
Guaranteed!! Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield
Bitch, I told you I'm for real, not tryna feel
She wanna pull up to the field, she gotta kneel
You can tell me anything, the lips are sealed
Big dope before the deal, I use it as my shield!"
I wiped my face and took off the headphones.
I saw Billie come into the room. I stepped out.
"It's time." She sniffled.
I picked up Jamal and fixed his little tie. Jah threw on his revenge hoodie and walked after me. I followed Billie to the living room where Kat and Ski were already waiting.
Dani had to go out of town.
"Momma where we going?" Jamal asked playing with my dreads.
"We have to go see grandma on last time. She has to go to heaven baby."
He pouted. "I don't want grandma to leave.."
I sniffled, allowing a tear to escape. "I didn't want her to leave either."
