All I Wanted Was You (Part 2)

The Pit...

Jae POV

After Dean talked to me on our way back to the bunker I'd been considering telling them all about what happened in the pit. I hadn't wanted to because I thought if I just ignored it it would somehow subside and I didn't want to worry them about the gruesome detail of it all.

But I should tell them, if I did they might know how to help me, and if I did the nightmares might stop. I didn't want to be so different than I used to be, I'd noticed the way they looked at me, like they missed me when I was still in the same room, I was different, and that was another reason to tell them, if they knew what happened they'd know why I acted like this.

I'd been gathering my thoughts for the past few hours and when Sam, Cas, and Jack got back to the bunker I walked out and hugged Sam as he greeted me.

I looked at him, he'd gotten a few cuts and bruises from the hunt they went on, but he'd told me about it on the phone last night so I already knew.

It had broken my heart when Dean told me Sam had almost committed suicide, but the fact that he lived and what he told Dean about remembering his promise to me was a relief and made my heart swell with love for him.

I looked at the four of them, Cas, Jack, Sam, and Dean all in the library.

"If you all have some time, I think I'm ready to tell you what happened in the pit." I said.

Sam looked a little surprised, but nodded as the others agreed too.

I had them all sit at the library table and sat at the head of it, leaning toward Sam as he took my hand reassuringly under the table.

I squeezed his hand as he squeezed back and I looked up at the others.

"Okay... So when I first traded my soul and went to the pit it was all normal, I was put on the rack and tortured for about thirty years, three months up here, it wasn't close to breaking me, not even close, I mouthed off about every time they looked at me and eventually the underclass demons who were torturing me turned my torture over to one of the higher up torturers..." I said.

I shook my head as I glanced down at the table, "I would have taken that thirty years of torture for the rest of eternity compared to what he did to me. His name is Beelzebub, or Baal. He started off but taking away my ability to speak, or at least my ability to do it without a world of pain... He used a Scold's Bridal, basically a metal cage that fits to your head with a mouth piece to stop you from talking, but he added a few more parts to it for extra punishment, sharp nails on the mouth piece that cut the top and bottom of my mouth every time I'd swallow. That bridal never came off, so I learned not to speak or it would cause me pain." I said, looking at them.

Sam looked heart broken, and Dean looked stunned.

"Another thing he added were weights to my wrists and ankles, when I was on the rack with those they made the hooks tear at my arms and legs... He didn't just tear at me on the rack, he took me down after another ten years with his addition of the weights and the bridal, and he shoved me in a box in the dark and left me there for years, I could hardly breathe in there and I couldn't move more than a couple inches and the whole time I could hear the screaming of all the other souls down there." I paused, tears stinging my eyes as I looked down at my hands.

"And after about five years in that box, he took me out and put me in a quiet part of the pit and tied me down..." I paused, I could feel the pressure and pain in my hands.

"He slowly pushed needles through my fingers and my palms." My fingers twitched as I felt a rush of the pain the needles had caused and I winced.

"I can still feel them." I said softly.

Sam put a hand on mine and I looked up at him, the pain and memory subsiding.

I nodded and took in a deep breath.

"And he beat me there for another five years, cutting into me and beating me senseless... After that he put me back in that box, keeping the needles in my hands and the cuts open and bleeding all over my body... When he pulled me out again I was put back on the rack, and when he left me there I knew I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out of there somehow. I didn't know where to go but I couldn't take anymore of that, so I escaped, I took the hooks out of my arms and then my legs and back, and then I ran... I can't tell you how bad that hurt, but I would do it again over the torture I was put through there..." I stopped again and then continued.

"He'd let me escape and he started playing with my mind after that, making me see things, he sent demons after me that looked like all of you, and he made me doubt the one thing I always trusted, the way I feel if things are right or wrong, I couldn't trust that... I did at first and then those demons jumped me and beat me senseless. I'd thought they were all of you, I thought you'd somehow gotten through the doors to hell to come save me, but I was wrong, and watching you all beat me until I couldn't see straight hurt, it broke me, the things you said and did to me... That's why I couldn't trust myself when you pulled me out of that lake." I took in another breath, tears rolling down my face slowly.

"I was brought back to Baal and he continued the torture, experimenting with whatever he wanted, and he broke me over the years until I obeyed, but I held onto my humanity, but I never fought back, he changed me... And the worst part of it all is that he kept me awake for all of it, every last second, I never was allowed to sleep, not once, he didn't even let me fall unconscious... I'm so terrified that somehow he'll find me, drag me back there." I said more tears flowing down my cheeks now.

Sam looked at me and then moved forward, embracing me in a tight hug as he helped me stand.

I hugged him tightly back and Dean joined in, Cas and Jack coming to join our hug too as I started crying harder, not able to hold in all the pain, weakness, and sorrow I felt. But I felt relief that I'd told them, that the people I loved and trusted most knew my secret and I felt the weight of it lift from my shoulders

"Everything will be okay, we aren't going to let anyone take you back there." Sam said softly to me.

The others whispered their own words of comfort and reassurance to me and we all separated.

I looked at them all and nodded, smiling softly. "Thank you." I whispered.

"I'm going to try and get through this, but I need your help... I need you to be patient with me and just help me through it... But I promise I'll try to heal from what happened." I said.

"We're here for you." Dean said.

I looked at him and nodded through a tiny smile.

"I know you are." I said.

Sam POV

What Jae said had been torture in itself, what she'd gone through was so much worse than what Dean and I combined had gone through. I stood in the library as she stood next to me, I was on the edge of emotion as I thought about what she'd gone through, Dean, Cas, and Jack were somewhere else in the bunker.

"Jae... I'm so so sorry, I couldn't save you from that and I couldn't even take care of our son on my own while you were gone... I was a wreck and I couldn't protect you or BJ, you must hate me." I said, tears running down my face as I looked at her.

"Sam." She said softly.

I shook my head, "Jae I couldn't make it without you and I tried to kill myself, I was going to leave BJ... And what if I did kill myself? I would have given up and left you in hell forever..." I said.

I looked away from her and then back, guilt and disappointment in myself was all I felt as I cried silently as she watched me, her eyes soft.

"How could I just leave our son? How could I give up on finding you?" I asked more to myself than her.

She stepped forward, putting her hand on my face gently as she wiped the few tears there away.

"Sam, I want you to go get in the truck, I'll meet you there in just a few minutes." She said softly.

I looked at her, confused.

"Why?" I asked softly.

"Just trust me." She said.

I sniffled softly, looking down into her beautiful blue eyes.

"Okay." I said softly.