All I Wanted Was You (Part 2)

Letters...: Part 4

Dear Jae,

    No one else has made me feel the way you do.
    I feel so strained and at war with my own head and yet so safe and comforted when I'm around you.
    You send my heart racing and my stomach sinking and also make me feel so accepted and like everything will be just fine.

    How do you do it? How are you the only person to make me feel this deeply when I've never felt this before?
    There were others before you, Jessica, Madison, but they never made me feel like this. You're like poison to me that I'd drink every chance I got. You make me question what I think and say every time I'm around you when around them it was always so simple.
    You are danger to my head, but a sweet lullaby to my heart, I know loving you so fully like this when you probably don't feel the same way is like standing on the edge of a roof with harsh winds all around me threatening to push me off at any moment.
    But I also know that loving you like this could be wonderful and sweet, that it is the one thing I've always wanted, you are the one thing I've always wanted.

Love, Sam

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Jae,

    I hate to admit it but I'm a hopeless romantic, and you're a gorgeous woman that makes my heart stop. But I was never one for falling in love on a whim like this, seeing someone and being completely love struck, that's why this scares me.
     It scares me how I fell for you with one look in that diner, then the feeling was just small, but undeniable all the same, like a high school crush you've had for a few weeks and then forgot about after moving away.
    Then it grew when I saw you again. It was a little bumpy that second and actual meeting of ours, you stuck your dog on Dean which nearly scared him to death, and stuck my shirt to a wall with a throwing knife while pointing a gun at me; but after I saw you again I knew this could be devastating, although I tried to avoid that fact.
   And then I learned your name, Jade Watkins, and I was stuck again to a wall with you right in front of me, figuratively at least. I tried to lose feelings, you were a hunter, I was a hunter, it wouldn't work out because of the lives we lead and my past reputations with pretty girls like you.
    But then we worked that case together, and I got to know you a little, and instantly I was caught, all my resistance against falling more for you went completely down the drain.
    And from there we became close friends, you were like family to Dean and Bobby, and to me you were the girl of my dreams I had a massive crush on that both of them knew about.

Everyday that crush grew, while I wrote letters to you like this one, and then that crush wasn't even a crush at all. It was complete and utter love for you, I'd fallen in love.
    Some people say "falling" isn't the right word because they knew what they were getting themselves into, but not in my case "falling" was the perfect word for it, or maybe "shoved into love" is a better phrase.
    It was like I was shoved off a cliff and right into my hopeless romantic fantasies.
    Dreaming of you every night and wishing I could be with you, thinking over every scenario I could run into you with so I could think over every sentence I'd say when you asked me a question or talked to me so I wouldn't stumble over my words because you made me so nervous.
    I'd have to brace myself when seeing you because it took my breath away every goddamn time, how gorgeous you were, and are.

    It's terrifying how much I love you.

    God, I just want to wake up next to you every morning and see you sleeping next to me. I want to be allowed to touch you whenever I want because it's torture getting these urges to brush the hair out of your eyes or just put my hand in yours every day. I want to tell you how beautiful you are every chance I get so you never get the chance to forget it. I want to be able to see you everyday and tell you I love you, and I dream of hearing you say you love me too.
     It's getting harder to hide these feelings.

Love, Sam

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Dear Jae,

You know all those love stories where they seemed to end off perfect and just continue that way, the "happily ever after" kind?
    And how their love story just played off perfect like the two of them were destined for each other, like soul mates?
    And how they just attracted to each other and got together on the first day they saw each other? Well this is not one of those stories.

    I have no idea if you even get the butterflies I do when seeing me, or if you critique every moment of seeing me to the very last detail so you won't look like you're in love with me, or if it takes your breath away when you catch sight of me like you do to me.

    Everyday I'm so confused in my own body which is terrifying and so frustrating it hurts because of the constant emotion flying through me when I even hear your name.
    Some days I'm close to breaking down I want you to feel the way I do so bad. And it hurts to see you laughing at someone else's jokes or even doing something so simple as touching someone's arm because I know you're not touching me, not laughing at my jokes or even putting a few beautiful fingers on my arm as you brush by.

It's torture, you know. And it's even more painful to know that you have no clue what affect you have on me, what those little things do to me.

I love you,

Sam

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(This is the last letter Sam wrote to Jae which happened after she went to Purgatory with Dean and Cas and when he started feeling for Amelia)

Jae,

It's been a long time, almost a year now.

Ever since you, Dean, and Cas disappeared I've felt so lost, that's why I haven't written to you, it just hurt too much to write to someone who's now probably dead and someone who I felt so broken without.

But I'm writing now to tell you that I found someone, her name is Amelia and she's been helping me through this without even really knowing it, like you did so much before, so I thought you'd want to know that I'm doing better.

Before her I was a mess, losing you, the woman I loved, and Dean, my brother, and Cas, one of my best friends, and on top of it all Bobby too, I just didn't know where to turn.
For the first time I was completely alone, there was nothing I could do but keep to my promise to Dean, I wasn't going to look.
I don't know why I couldn't, but I just couldn't look for you all, it was like the first time I had a blank slate, as messed up as that may seem... But I can only think of you all as dead, and I don't want to look for you when I could have a new life, a better one instead of feeling like I did every day before.

But I just want you to know I'm doing alright. I'm moving in with her after we find a house, and don't worry, Ace is with me. I hit him with my car on accident and at first I was going to give him away, I didn't want to have him as a constant reminder of the most beautiful woman I'd ever know and loved, you. But Amelia convinced me to keep him, and he and I have been getting through this together.
I can only assume you're dead, Dean and Cas too, so one of these days I might just take this box of letters and burn it, you'll never read them anyway.
And it's been hard getting over you, this box has been in the trunk this whole time and I've covered it with an old jacket so I don't see it, that's how bad it hurts to just remember you.

Hopefully with Amelia I'll be able to get over you, I know that's what you would have wanted.

I hope you're all at peace somewhere safe.

Sam