All I Wanted Was You (Part 2)

Letters...: Part 2

Dear Jae,

    Jesus, It's like where ever I go I look for you in every crowd, in every face I see, just holding my breath until I find your eyes and your beautiful smile, and it hurts everytime I don't find it.
    I tried to stop looking, and no matter how hard I tried I could never do it, so I'd search for you, no matter how irrational, and no matter how many times a day. I searched, feeling the let down and the pain of not finding you in the faces I see everyday, out of the hundreds of strangers and faces the only one I want to see is yours.

    And on those few occasions I actually did find you, it was like my eyes were drawn to you, I'd pick you out in an ocean of people from the back of your head.
    I have you memorized down to a T, and every time I did see you I nearly stopped breathing I was so excited, and at the same time so nervous. You take my breath away.

Love, Sam

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Jae,

    This is more of a serious letter to you, because today is probably the last day I'll be alive.

    I'm saying yes to Lucifer tomorrow, it's decided. And thanks to you, I got through these past weeks thinking about it. You've been here for me since the day you met me and Dean, and I've always known if there was someone I could call for some help, no matter what kind, it would be you.
    I've been trying to hide it, but I'm a wreck. I'm terrified to do this, to say yes to him. But somehow you know I'm struggling, and you've been helping me through it, from just giving me a supportive look to sitting me down for a long talk about how I'm doing, and the one that helped me most so far, hugged me for far too long.

    Do you remember that? I'd just told you and Bobby about my plan to say yes to Lucifer and you both were in denial, neither of you wanted this to be the way it had to end, but I convinced you and then left to get some fresh air.
    I remember every detail of it, I was out in the junk yard behind Bobby's and I was close to breaking down, mentally as well as emotionally. And then there you were, you just walked up to me as I tried to hide the tears in my eyes, but you didn't care about them, you just pulled me down into a hug, and you held me there for several minutes, just hugging me as we both cried.
   I remember exactly what you whispered to me, and even now I can hear it. "We will get through this, I'll help you every step of the way."

    Even now just thinking about it I'm crying, you were there for me, just like you are now.

    Now you're sleeping on the couch at Bobby's while I sit in the kitchen, writing this letter to you. Every once in a while I look over at you. You're beautiful even when you're hair is messy and your cheek is pressed against the pillow you're using on the couch, in your oversized T-shirt and sweatpants.
    I want you to know you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I love every part of you, inside and out.
   
    This is getting long, but it's my last day being alive, so I'm not done yet.

    Jae, I want to thank you. Thank you for being here for me as well as Dean, we've never had someone so amazing as you in our lives, and we really needed you, both of us did, even if we didn't know it before.
    I guarantee that if you left somewhere in the future and I was still here with you and Dean, we wouldn't know how to cope. You're like a therapist, best friend, and sister to us. Well, a sister to Dean, and the woman I'm in love with for me. But you're family.
    Even Bobby wouldn't know what to do. You're like the daughter he never had, and he loves you like a daughter too, you're probably his favorite out of the three of us (his "adopted" kids) because you drive him the least crazy out of the three of us.
    It's good you can take jokes too, and both Dean and Bobby like how you can throw your own jokes right back, I love it too, it makes you an even better fit into the family. You can hold your own against friends as well as against enemies.
    You're amazing, all of us know that.

    Jae, when it's all over, when I'm gone, check in on Dean sometimes, make sure he goes to be with Ben and Lisa and gets to live happily with them. He doesn't think he can do this when I'm gone, he hasn't told me that, but I know my brother, and that's what he's thinking.
    And when I'm gone, I want you to live happily too, find someone to fall in love with, or don't, whichever you decide, but do what makes you happy, that's all I want for you.

    Jae, I'm terrified. When I think about what's coming it's hard to breathe. And it makes it even worse that I'm leaving you, even if you don't love me like I love you, I don't want to leave.
    But eternity in the cage is worth it if it means saving you and Dean and Bobby, and all the people up here.
    I don't think I'd be able to bare what's coming if I didn't have you. I'll think of you every day, and I won't forget a thing about you, you'll be what will give me the strength I need down there, I have no doubt about that.

    I could go on and on, but there's only a few hours left, so thank you Jae, for being the girl of my dreams and my best friend, as well as a part of my family and their strength.
   
    Maybe several years from now you or Bobby will find this letter, stashed in the box of all the others upstairs under the loose floorboard in the linen closet, and then you'll know how I feel about you, and how much you mean to me. But until you read this, I'm glad I'm leaving the safety of the world in your hands and Bobby's, you'll keep everything clean like Dean and I never seemed to be able to for too long.
     I love you.

Sam