All I Wanted Was You (Part 2)

Letters...: Part 3

Dear Jae,

    This might be the for sure last letter I'm writing you, Lucifer is in my head and I'm going insane. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, I'm seeing things that aren't even there and I know they're not real, but they feel so real, it's getting harder to realize they aren't.

    Jae, you're beautiful, and I know you want to help me, that's why you've been staying here at this mental hospital with me, but I'm going to convince you to leave.
    Lucifer is using you against me, the things he's made me see, they're horrible. I've seen you die five times now, seen you scream at me and say things that you'd never say to me.
    Lucifer taunts me with you, even now I'm seeing you dead on the floor in the corner, but I know it's not you, you're asleep in the chair there right now, you didn't mean to fall asleep, I know that, you wanted to stay up with me but you dozed off.
  
    Jae, I'm hiding this letter with me again, and when I die, when my body finally shuts down, they'll find this, addressed to "Jade Watkins, the woman I'm in love with" And they'll find you and you'll read it.

    I'll tell you now again that the box with the rest of the letters (if you want to go through the pain of reading them all when I'm gone) is at Bobby's, under the loose floorboard in the linen closet upstairs.
   
    Jae, I love you. I won't ask you to "never forget that" Because I know you might not feel the same, so I'm asking you to remember that I love you, or forget that I love you, whichever is less painful.
    But to let you know that there was someone on this earth that was completely stricken with someone else I'll tell you why he loves her.

    He first saw her and didn't think he'd ever see her again, but when he did and they became close friends, he started noticing things about her that no one else would.
    Like the way she smiled, the way her lips pulled across her face and her white teeth showed, how the dimples in her cheeks were so adorable he was surprised no one else noticed them. He noticed the way she'd tuck her hair behind her ear when she was researching, her stunning blue eyes combing the articles and pages of words. She never said anything bad about anyone, well when she wasn't teasing someone she knew well, he loved that.
    He loved how incredibly gentle she was, her kindness astonished him. But he also loved how completely unbending she could be. If there was a need for someone to say something bluntly, or a need for a fight, she was always the one to step up, she could be brutal but she always knew the right and wrong times to be so. She could settle an argument with just a few words and set someone straight with even less.
    She made him fall in love with her because she was beautiful, breathtaking, and she was smart, smarter than he was sometimes and he was the one who went to Stanford. She was tough and gentle all at the same time, and he fell in love with her, inside and out.

    I fell in love with you.

I just want you to know that I'm in love with you, I've told you before in these letters, that's why I started writing them in the first place, but I just need to tell you again.

I'm in love with you, Jade Watkins.

Love, Sam

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Dear Jae,

    I've tried not to love you before, tried to stay away because everyone else I've ever loved ended up hurt or worse.
But you just had to make it so goddamn hard, didn't you?

I've never felt this for anyone before, I've been in love, I know that for sure, but this, it's all new and it's infuriating but so fierce it's impossible to avoid or ignore.

I'm trying to figure this all out, all these emotions and feelings swirling inside me every day, and who knew one woman would be able to stir them all up inside me? God, you have a power over me you could never understand, with just one look you get my heart racing.
I'm a grown man and I feel like a love struck kid everytime I'm around you, it gets hard to breathe and hard to think straight and when I think about you when you're not around I feel that too.

I just want to be with you, Jae.

I want to be the person you go to with every secret you've ever had. I want to be the one you tell all your stories too and share all your dreams with.
I want to hear all your fears and hopes for the future. I want to be your safety, your shelter, your home.
This is getting maddening, wanting you so bad and not having you.

But I'll wait until I can't take it anymore to tell you, because I don't know if you even love me too, and I know you, I know that if you didn't feel the same it would tear you apart at hearing how completely in love I was with you, and the last thing I want is to hurt you; but I love you, more than anything.

Love, Sam

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Jae,

    I belong to you, you don't even know it, but I belong to you.
    Anywhere you'd ask me to go I'd go without a second thought, just one look of pain and I'd be on my knees in front of you begging you to tell me what was wrong so I could fix it.
    You could get me to do anything without even trying, so just imagine the devastation and complete damage you could do to me.
   
    You could completely ruin me and you wouldn't even know because you're holding my heart in your hands every second of every day and you don't know it.
   So you wouldn't even know if you dropped it or crushed it in your hands, but I would feel it.  Every shred of pain it would cause me I'd feel.
    So please don't break my heart, if somehow you know you're holding it in your every action, your every word and breath, please be gentle like you have been, because I am yours and I would die without you.

With everything I am,

Sam