Hide Your Heart

Back In Madrid

Tommy had reluctantly put the letters back in the suitcase and agreed to stay. He had so many things he wanted to talk about with Paul but was afraid of his reaction. He had bitten his lip raw from stress. 

"Tom, baby, look at me. Why do you still self-harm?" "It hurts me to think you're scared to talk to me."

"Paul, I , um, can't stop. If I do, I might feel like I'm worth something and I know that's a lie."

Paul was floored by that admission. "Why do you feel like this? You're one of the kindest, most generous people I know. You're quick to help anyone and you never have a bad word to say about anyone but yet you can't see the good in you."

"I'm useless! I'm just another charity case. First I was Jaime's, now I'm yours!"

"Oh baby, please stop that." "You are a beautiful person."

Tommy's sore lip quivered as he tried not to cry. Paul took him in his arms and held him close. "Sh. While we're here, we're going to enjoy ourselves."

His husband agreed and asked if he could take a walk outside for awhile. "I won't toss myself in front of a car or anything. I promise."

Seeing the hesitancy on Paul's face, Tommy added, "I promise I'll come back. I won't find anyone to shag or anything like that either."

Paul agreed and gave him the extra key. "I'm gonna watch t.v. for awhile. Please try to come back by eleven."

Tommy agreed as he left. 

Paul immediately regretted letting Tommy go by himself because he was too trusting. Getting up, Paul followed at a distance. He wondered what on earth Tommy used to hurt himself with.

Going back to the room, he emptied Tommy's suitcase and carry-on again and checked all the pockets. "Damn! Pins, needles, scissors! The hell!" He put them in his carry-on and continued to check. "Razor blades! God damn Thomas !"

When Tommy got back, Paul was still "watching t.v." "I had a nice walk." "I found some really cool souvenirs." he said.

Paul turned off the t.v and patted the side of the bed. "I  want to see what's under the bandages." he said bluntly. "Let me see." "Now!"

Tommy held out his arms wordlessly to his husband. He had 6 fresh ones on his left arm and 2 on his right. They were puffy and swollen, some still bloody. "I guess I can't rewrap them ?"

"No. I need them to heal." "I need you to heal."

Tommy nodded and put his sleeves down. "I won't do it again. I promise." 

Paul said nothing as he handed Tommy his pajamas. "I'm holding you to that." he said finally.

Tommy laid beside his husband and stayed quiet.