Following the Stars

Chapter Seventy Three

Johnny and Lexie had barely been able to do anything yet without breaking down fully so upon being discharged, Johnny called her parents and informed them. After hearing the news, Tom and Lizzie immediately visited Lexie's home, they had been able to clear up and hide the mess from the miscarriage before the couple arrived. Her mother held her on the couch as she sobbed into her arms. Sadly Lizzie was no stranger to the feeling after suffering four miscarriages herself during Lexie's childhood. Tom escorted Johnny out to the garden with a bottle of  fine whiskey and a pack of cigarettes. As the two men sat on the patio, Tom handed the bottle to Johnny, "Sir, I thought you didn't drink." "I don't, and I won't. The two reasons are sat in there right now." He said pointing to the house with his cigarette. "However, I've been where you are right now, and although the answer is never at the end of the bottle, it will take the edge off I swear." Johnny nodded and poured himself a large slug knocking it back in one before pouring another. "I don't want my daughter going through what I put Lizzie through though so if you don't think you can stop, then let's stop now." Johnny nodded "I get that, I'll be ok I promise, I'm not addicted. I just went through a bad patch where booze was my only comfort. I no longer just associate it with pain and anguish." Tom nodded. "Do you want to talk?" "Talk?" Johnny questioned lighting up his own cigarette. "Well, believe you me, over the coming weeks, everyone will ask, how's Lexie, is she ok? How is she feeling? Nobody will mean to isolate you but nobody will ask how you are. So do you want to talk about it?" Johnny swirled his drink. "I feel so hopeless. Why couldn't I have prevented that? Or protected them?" Tom nodded. "Yes I know. It's cliche but it's nobody's fault. You have to come to terms with that pal." Johnny nodded "I'm not great at the whole communication thing." "John you don't have to be good at it, but if you need me, if you need somebody who's been through it four times, and has tried every trick in the book, and you want to talk, I'm here ok?" Johnny nodded and smiled. "Thank you."

Lizzie wandered out and sat in a chair next to her husband. "I've put Lexie to bed. She wanted to be alone, but I don't think she should be for long." Johnny nodded stubbing out his cigarette. "I should be with her." He stood as Lizzie reached out. "Johnny, it's ok, she will be ok for a few minutes." He nodded. "Thank you, both of you, I didn't know who else to call." "We are glad to be here for you, do you need us to do anything, shall we call people?" "Umm yes actually, could you call Kate, I doubt Lexie will want to do anything tomorrow but she may need a friend, and I'll focus on letting my family know tonight before I go to bed?" Lizzie nodded "Of course. I told Lexie I'll pop back tomorrow, maybe with some lunch or something, only if that's ok?" She replied. Johnny smiled, "Of course that's ok, thank you, I know she will want to see you." Johnny showed them out before heading upstairs.

Lexie was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, she had tears rolling down her face, as Johnny entered the room. "Hey darling." He said quietly but it still startled her. "Hi." She managed to squeak. He slowly sat down on his side of the bed taking her hand. "Do you need anything?" He asked kindly, she shook her head closing her eyes as tears fell again. "Oh my girl. Please please don't cry. God I would give anything to fix this for you. Anything." He said as she slowly sat up and he wrapped his arms round her. "I want my baby. I wanted our baby so badly." She said through sobs. "I know darling. I know, but that baby, was just too good for this world. It's gone on to a better place." He said kissing her head. "Johnny, it hurts so much." "I know darling. It's killing me too, but I swear it will get better. It will. One day when we are both ready, we will have an army of kids, mark my words." "What if I can't? What if I'm like my mum?" "Oh darling, there is no reason to believe you can't carry children, Carol said all was well and we could definitely try again, please don't think that and even if you can't for whatever reason, we will make it work I promise." Lexie sobbed making Johnny's top damp. It had been cried on all day long, but he didn't care. He just wanted to make things right again.

After making phone call to his sisters, his father and then leaving a message for Vanessa explaining what had happened and how he wanted to be the one to tell the kids, he finally took his last sip of whiskey and headed upstairs to bed. Lexie was lying with her back to him and looked so small in the large bed. As he climbed in, she rolled over resting her head on his chest. "Hold me?" She whispered and he nodded wrapping his arms round her tight. "I love you Lexie." "I love you Johnny, so much." She said though further tears.

The next lunchtime, Lizzie arrived with a large dish of what looked like a pie. Johnny showed her in and Kate followed. "I thought she might need some love from Kate. I hope you don't mind." Lizzie said placing the dish in the kitchen. "No not at all. Hi Kate." Johnny said kissing her cheek. "Johnny, I'm so sorry, please let me know if there is anything that Jamie or I can do." "Thanks. Nothing anyone can do, we just have to fix Lexie, she's broken, she's not moved from the bed this morning." Lizzie looked shocked. "God that's most unlike her." "Shall I go?" Kate asked and the other two shrugged. "You can try?" "I'll heat this up." Lizzie said making herself useful.

30 minutes later, Kate and Lexie were still nowhere to be seen. Lizzie felt awkward as she didn't know what to say to Johnny to make things right so she offered to make him another coffee. "Lizzie you don't need to take care of me." "Nonsense Johnny, I've only got the one child, and as as she's preoccupied I'll take care of you." Johnny smiled, "Thank you doll." They sat at the island when Johnny blurted out "What was Lexie like as a child?" "Oh goodness, she was a force to be reckoned with. Most people are so shocked that she was only 7 when she started shooting but she was so mature for her age. Partly our fault, she didn't mix with many other kids apart from at school, we had her so young, all our friends were still out drinking and partying. She always knew what she wanted, and she grabbed it with both hands. We were led by her, as long as it was fairly sensible she had full control of what she did. I regret some of it now, I think she would have liked to have fitted in more, been more normal you know? She sacrificed a lot, and I think now she's paying for it, she's only got a very small group of friends, they get her you know and they are willing to go all the way for her." Johnny nodded encouraging Lizzie to continue. "One time, she insisted on taking part in the dance show that the performing arts school were working on. It was for her Grade 8 dance exam. The teacher Miss Mitzi told us she could just sign the certificate for her, she knew she could dance, she had seen her on stage, but Lexie declined, she wanted to earn it like everyone else, so she did all day at school, after school work with her scripts then would rehearse for the show all evening, she never gave up and she got there, she passed with a distinction. She never has asked for special treatment, she doesn't want it and doesn't expect it." "I think that's what I love most about her." Lizzie smiled "Well she loves you dearly, I could tell the way she spoke about you in the hospital after she was attacked, the way you took care of her afterwards, the way you looked at her once you found out she was pregnant. The way you are now. We can all tell how smitten you both are." Johnny smiled and went to continue but Kate was leading Lexie down the stairs. She had fresh pyjamas on, and was holding a teddy bear. The same bear her father gave her when she was attacked. She slowly made her way into the kitchen with Kate doing a lot of the talking. "So, we've freshened up a little and decided we can't stay in bed all day right Lex? Especially when your mum has made your favourite." Kate said as Lexie nodded slowly sitting down on the bar stall. "Ah yes the pie, here you go I'll get it out the oven now," Lizzie said. Johnny lent in and kissed Lexie's cheek but didn't get much of a response as she stared vacantly across the room.

The next morning, Johnny made tea and took it up to Lexie who was sat in bed. "I think I'll need to fly to Paris to tell the children in person." "What? Why?" "Well especially if they aren't coming here Saturday?" "Why aren't they coming Saturday?" "Well, umm Vanessa and I thought maybe you would want some more time?" "No course not, I want them here. Please let them come. I promise I'll perk up, I swear." Lexie said almost desperately. "Ok, ok I promise, but we will need to tell them. I can do it." "No we can do it together, I promise, I'm sorry, I've been quite selfish," Lexie said as she wrapped her arms round Johnny. "Darling you're not selfish, you're grieving." "Yes but so are you and nobody has been taking care of you."