Princess (Ziam)

Maintain

I apologize because I feel like this chapter could have been better. The next one will probably be more dramatic, though.

Two more weeks of school, but that does not mean less work. It means more for some odd reason, so this week was rough, which is why this update is a bit late.

Thank you for your patience (and demands lol) enjoy 😝

Chapter 46:

I woke up feeling warm all over, even internally, and I opened my eyes to see that Zayn was already awake. He was laying by my side, staring at the blinds of the window. There was no need to leave it opened anymore. It wasn't dangerous to be seen together anymore-- at least inside of the house.

I laid silently, staring at him as he seemed deep in thought. His eyes seemed distant as I watched the way the sun rays gently shone through the cracks between the blinds. His eyebrows were furrowed as he threw around whatever idea was on his mind. And I grew curious.

"What are you thinking about?" I questioned, my voice thick with sleep. And I felt a bit embarrassed about how groggy and unattractive my morning voice must've sounded, but Zayn only turned to look at me, a soft smile on his lips that mirrored the muted rays of the sun, and an affectionate look in his eyes.

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, and my eyes closed as a calm feeling washed over me. It was something I've only ever felt around Zayn. I never grew use to it, but I think that's what gave it beauty.

"My mum," He admitted, and I always admired the way his voice took on a lighter tone at the mention of her. She played a big role in his life, and I knew that she was the most influential person to him, besides his aunt. I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose the woman who gave birth to you. But in a way, my mum was slipping away from me as well.

"What about her?" I asked, resting my head on his chest as I traced invisible patterns and shapes against his skin, feeling goosebumps form underneath my touch.

"I'm just wondering what she'd think of me. Of everything that I'd done. Everything I've been through. Where I am now," He spoke aloud, and his thoughts developed further.

"I don't want to admit it, but I think she would have felt disappointed in me. I know she would have been disappointed in me for the way I treated you. And everyone, really. And she would have despised the way I shut out my emotions. She would have hated the cold shell I became. I wasn't her son. I wasn't myself. I was a corpse of who I truly am," He described, and I felt the pain of truth dripping from his lips with each word.

"I feel like she would have been thankful that I told my aunt about my dad. It couldn't be nice knowing, possibly even seeing, what your child has been through. But I also think I've hurt her worse than I ever could because of the way I handled it. With the self-harm and the alcohol. And I don't want to imagine that she could have seen all that, but I have to because I need her here. I still need her, and if I just think that she's gone, I can't even... I don't...." He trailed off, seeming lost for words or maybe lost in his thoughts.

I felt him tense up beside me. His eyes seemed to distance themselves again, so I pressed a kiss to his neck, pulling him back to me. It amazed me that I had that kind of power over him.

"I think she'd be proud of you now," I spoke, looking up at Zayn. He shifted onto his side so he was looking straight at me, and I continued, knowing that he needed this, but I also meant every word I said.

"She'd be proud of you, Zayn. You decided to open up to someone. You're fighting your alcoholic needs better than most people could. Your music is your therapy, and you're so good at it," I pointed out, seeing a smile form on his lips. "Maybe you're still lost in your past, but you're finding your way. Little by little. I think that's all she wanted. For you to be happier and healthier," I said, wondering what my mum wants for me.