The Notebook//Joshler

May 5

today i received a call from momma dun.

she said she wanted me to come over, but i told her i wouldn't be very comfortable with that.

but then she said josh wouldn't be there. so i agreed.

i went over and she immediately pulled me into a tight hug. i broke down sobbing, and she kept me on my feet.

she made me tea and cleaned the cuts on my wrist, telling me not to do that to myself. especially over something that i had no control over.

she said josh called her crying last night and told her everything, and that he wouldn't return home for a while.

he's most likely with brendon, i suppose.

momma said she wants me to stay at the dun home until things get better because she doesn't trust me alone by myself.

"i-i loved him s-so much," i sniffled. "i-i gave him m-my everything a-and i t-tried to be a good fiancé b-but i guess i-i just wasn't..."

"honey," momma said, hugging me tightly. "you were the absolute best fiancé anyone could ever ask for. don't blame yourself for this at all. i don't know what's going on with joshua, to be honest. i know he loved you more than life itself. i'm so so sorry, tyler."

"w-why did he do it i-if he loved me?"

"i... i don't know," she sighed, kissing the top of my head. "and even though he's my son, i'm going to suggest you don't take him back."

"b-but i love him..."

"but if he does this kind of thing to you, tyler," she said. "he goes around with other people, makes you harm yourself... you don't need to be around him."

"m-maybe i-i can change him."

"i don't think he's worth your time, tyler," she said quietly.

"b-but he's all that i have!"

"anyone would be lucky to have you, tyler. you'll find the right person. but until then, you're still part of the family, so you'll be staying here."

"i-is he going to hurt me?" i asked quietly.

"oh, no, honey. he isn't going to hurt you. he's going to try and make up with you," she said. "he told me last night. but i really don't know if that's in your best interest..."

"h-he was my first everything..."

"i know, sweetheart. you were his first everything too. he really loves you, just... he can't control himself for whatever reason."

"w-what if w-we did couples therapy?" i asked. "w-we have to make this work. i-i can't live without him."

"i'm sure you could try it," she said, rubbing my back as she helped me sip my tea. "i'll happily pay for it."

i sniffled and nodded, hugging her tightly.

"thank you, momma."

"anything for you, tyler."

and so i moved into the guest room of the dun's home. i don't know what i'll do tomorrow when josh is supposed to return. momma said if i don't feel comfortable she has a friend who owns a nice hotel and will gladly allow me to stay in one of the nicest rooms for however long i need.

i just wish i was enough for him.

-tyler