The Notebook//Joshler

February 23

today, i saw joshua again.

just briefly.

i arrived at their home to start abi's school day, and he was there.

he came up to say something, but i think he got nervous.

he quickly ducked his head and shuffled out.

he didn't come home for dinner, either.

momma dun asked me how things went last night.

"ok, i think," i told her. "h-he said he loves me and he wants me to go to his first therapy session with him."

"what's he going to do to make it up?" she asked, her eyebrow raised.

i shrugged. "i-i'm not really sure. i don't think he needs to. he said he loved me."

"have him do something romantic. have him do something that shows you he loves you."

i shrugged again.

"what's something he does that shows you he loves you?" she asked.

"um... one time he set up a picnic in the forest. that was nice."

"then ask him to take you on another romantic date!" momma dun said.

"i-i don't wanna sound needy. h-he said i'm that, too," i said quietly.

"tyler... you aren't needy. i promise," she told me. "he just... he gets in the moods where he says things he-"

"he says things he doesn't mean," i interrupted, looking down at my feet. "i wish he loved me as much as i love him."

"ty, honey, he does love you," she said.

"but not as much as i love him," i sniffled.

"you're his everything, tyler."

"yet i'm still not good enough," i said quietly.

momma stayed silent.

she knew i loved josh more than he loved me.

"would you be willing to talk to him if i was there?" she offered a little while later.

"i-i um... s-sure," i said.

so we decided we would meet at a coffee shop.

momma dun drove me, kissing my temple before we walked in. "don't be nervous, honey," she said. "he isn't going to say or do anything as long as i'm there."

i sniffled and nodded, shuffling in beside her.

joshua was already there.

"h-hi," i said quietly.

"h-hi," he replied, obviously a bit embarrassed that his mother had to come in order for him to fully apologize. "i-i'm sorry i said all those things to you."

"i-it's ok," i said quietly.

"and what do you want, tyler?" momma dun asked, wanting me to establish some say in the relationship.

"f-for me to be better," i said. though that wasn't at all what she was referring to.

"no, honey. you said something about a nice date, yeah?" she said.

"o-oh," i said quietly. "y-yes. b-but i-if it's too much work, i-i understa-"

"i'll gladly take you out on a nice date," josh said.

"and you deserve to be taken out on a nice date because...." momma dun said, trying to get me to say something nice about myself.

"b-because i-i try my best to m-make my boyfriend happy," i said quietly.

"and what should he do in return?" she asked, looking at josh.

"t-take w-what i give him-"

"he should do the same," josh said. "he should treat you with just as much love and respect and care you treat him with."

i said nothing.

"and how are we going to make that happen?" momma asked josh.

"i-i'm gonna learn how t-to control my emotions and treat tyler better," he said.

"and why are you going to do that?" she asked.

"because i love him," joshua said.

but not as much as i love him.

that, is obvious.

-tyler