The Notebook//Joshler

May 16

today josh and i had therapy again.

this time we held hands during it.

we told dr. shaw that we were doing well voicing our feelings, expressing love/care for one another, and helping each other to the best of our abilities.

she said that's great.

we talked a lot about how to handle the situation with josh's dad and how it's important that i'm part of some of the conversations too.

she said this week she wants us to focus on each other's needs and putting the other first.

i saw josh's face drop as she said that.

after the session finished, i asked him why that happened.

he stopped in his tracks and hugged me, sniffling and burying his nose in my neck. "because you've always done that for me but i've never done that for you..."

i hugged him back and kissed his shoulder, gently rubbing his back. "you've done that for me before, josh. just, you got a little... caught up in the moment sometimes i guess," i shrugged. i really still am not 100% sure as to why he cheated. "but, y-you can fix that. and that's what you're doing now."

he sniffled and nodded, continuing to hug me.

he's still my big teddy bear.

he pulled back after about five minutes and started to apologize. i listened to him. i learned today that he likes being able to just get things out of his system even if i don't find them necessary.

i told him it was ok. i like his hugs.

when we got home, he decided he wanted to try and talk to his dad. i came with him, but as soon as his dad came into the room, he started crying and ran.

i explained to bill that josh was very nervous and to not move while i went and got him.

i found him in his room, crying as he sat on his bed. i took his hands, looked in his eyes, and told him i'd be with him the whole time. i then led him back to the kitchen and sat down right next to him, holding his hand.

"ok, baby," i said. "tell your dad what's going on."

"i-i'm going to therapy."

"why?" i asked.

it was clear i'd be guiding the conversation.

"t-to be better f-for tyler."

"why?"

"b-because i-i cheated a-and i didn't put him first a-and he doesn't deserve someone like that."

"what says you won't do it again?" bill asked.

josh froze.

he didn't have anything to say to that. he could say he learned from his mistake, but last time he cheated, he cheated again.

"i-i... i-i um..." he stuttered, looking at me with panicked eyes.

i squeezed his hand and caressed his arm. i couldn't answer this for him.

"b-because i-i didn't really realize i had any worth u-until tyler stayed. i-i used to just kind of do whatever and i-i didn't really care if i got in trouble or not. b-but tyler showed me t-that i have potential a-and i shouldn't waste that. a-and h-he loves me a lot. b-but i love him more. a-and i guess i didn't really know the meaning behind that until now."

i squeezed his hand and bill nodded.

he approved.

they talked for a little longer, then josh and i went to bed.

"good job, honey," i said as i crawled under the covers.

"t-thank you f-for helping me," he said.

"you did all the hard work," i said. "i just gave you the little push you needed to get going."

josh started to cry again.

"baby..." i said, hugging him. "what's wrong?"

"i-i s-should be the one comforting you b-but instead y-you're taking care o-of me a-and i-i'm being a bad fiancé again," he cried.

"yes, josh, i need to be comforted. i really, really need to be comforted. but just because you need me to hold you sometimes doesn't mean you're a bad fiancé. it means you're human. we're supposed to take care of each other in a relationship. not just one person taking care of the other."

"b-but y-you're doing all the comforting r-right now w-when i should be the one doing it t-to you," he sniffled.

i sighed and rested my forehead against his chest, hugging his waist.

i need to be able to cry and be held, but i can't. because josh needs the same at the exact same time.

he pulled me into his lap and held me as i started to cry, hugging me tightly.

"i-i'm so sorry i fucked our relationship up," he said.

"w-we're getting through it," i sniffled. "w-we'll survive."

"i-i promise i'm never, ever going to ever do anything like that with anyone ever again," he said. "a-and i just hope t-that maybe someday o-our kisses and making love will mean as much as they used to."

i continued to cry, fearing that might not ever be the case.

it's weird going from being not only completely, but willingly, naked and exposed to someone to not being able to wear enough clothes.

i don't take my shirt off in front of him anymore, and my pants certainly stay on.

i wear a lot of sweatshirts now, too.

but, sometimes josh will walk around shirtless for a few minutes. but i just can't. i can't bring myself to be able to do that.

and i really wish it was different.

-tyler