The Notebook//Joshler

May 8

today i had enough strength to leave my room.

i knocked on josh's door.

he opened it. he looked terrible.

his eyes red and puffy from crying so hard for so long. the bags under his eyes a dark purple from lack of sleep. and there were lines on his wrist, too.

"i-i would like to go to couple's therapy with you," i said.

he looked down and messed with his fingers for a second. "y-you still think w-we maybe s-should try and be together? e-even after learning h-how awful i am?"

i was quiet for a minute before i spoke up. "y-you don't want to be together anymore, do you?"

"i-i want to be with you more than anything," he said. "j-just i don't want t-to hurt you again. y-you don't deserve that."

"m-maybe w-we can get better i-in therapy," i shrugged.

he sniffled and nodded. "c-can i... c-can i come clean, first?" he asked. "i-i think i-it's best you know everything b-before anything else..."

i hesitantly nodded.

"i-i had been g-getting closer t-to him w-while you were away a-and i just missed the feeling of being w-with you s-so i sought out a-a filler," he said, beginning to cry. "a-and w-we um... w-we kissed a-and had sex a-and i-i'm so so so sorry, tyler. i-i can't believe i did it. e-especially after you came back. t-there's absolutely no excuse..."

"s-so us m-making love... i-it meant nothing to you?" i asked quietly.

"i-it meant everything to me, tyler. the absolute world. i-i was just so caught up in missing you a-and even when you came back i-i don't know why i even went back to him..."

"why don't you love me?" i asked.

"ty, i love you more than anything...."

"is it because i'm too skinny? because i'm not completely mentally stable? because i'm 'too innocent'? because i'm ugly? because of my past? because i'm too clingy? because i'm not good enough? because i'm poor? it's all of those things, isn't it? i told you from day one i am an unlovable person b-but you denied it, a-and you stuck around. only to cheat on me not once but twice!" i yelled.

i had never raised my voice before.

at anyone.

josh flinched and started to hyperventilate.

i was scaring him.

"i fucking told you that you'd end up hating me, josh! i warned you that i had no money and i probably wouldn't ever be able to provide you with nice things! but i did promise you that i'd give you all my love. and i did just that. and maybe me asking you to spend your friday's with me at a mental hospital was too much. and for that, i'm sorry. but i really did start to think you loved me..."

josh sank to the floor. he was having a panic attack.

i caused him to have a panic attack.

i immediately dropped to the ground as well, pulling him into my lap and holding him tightly with his arms down so he wouldn't scratch at his wrists. i rocked him back and forth and sang quietly in his ear, my fingers running through his hair.

that was how i always helped him through attacks.

but i had never been the reason one started.

"i-i'm s-so sorry," i sobbed, getting up and running to my room.

he chased after me, yelling that it was alright and i shouldn't feel bad. i was only telling him the truth that he didn't want to hear: all the things he made me feel.

i forgot to lock the door behind me, and he entered.

he sat on the end of the bed while i sobbed into my pillow, feeling awful for giving him an anxiety attack even though he'd done so much worse to me.

"i'm going to schedule us an appointment," he said quietly, crawling up to give me a kiss. but he stopped. we aren't a couple anymore, i guess.

our first session is tomorrow.

-tyler