The Notebook//Joshler

May 9

today, josh and i had our first therapy session.

he drove us there.

he saw the lines down my wrist.

"you shouldn't do that to yourself," he said quietly.

"neither should you," i replied.

silence again.

we walked into the building and sat, waiting to be called. eventually, we were, and we took a seat on a couch in the office.

"hello," the lady smiled. "i'm dr. shaw. it's nice to meet you both," she said, extending her hand.

josh shook it and nodded. "i-i'm josh."

"i-i'm t-tyler," i said, lightly shaking her hand.

"so, what brings you in?" she asked.

i looked down at the ground, shifting slightly in my spot.

"i-i cheated," josh said almost silently. "a-and i'm not being the type of person tyler deserves."

"tyler?" she asked. "anything else to add?"

"i-i made him have a panic attack," i said quietly.

"baby..." josh said. "i promise you, it's alright."

dr. shaw nodded and wrote some things down. "so what are you hoping to get out of these sessions?"

"i-i want to be t-the best... person... for tyler."

"i-i want to be less of a burden," i said.

"ty..." josh started.

i just looked down at my lap, messing with my fingers.

"let's start with the unfaithfulness situation. how did that come about?" she asked.

"i-i've done it with two different people," josh said quietly. "first, about two months into us dating, i-i kissed someone else. j-just once. b-but this time, i-it got more physical. t-tyler w-was in a mental hospital and i could only see him once a week. a-and that was so difficult after having been able to be with him all day every day. i-i missed him so much that i started looking for someone to fill his physical place the other six days of the week, a-and it escalated."

"what did it escalate to?" the doctor asked.

"s-sex..."

"on how many occasions?"

"f-four to five times a week..."

i thought it was a one-time thing.

not five times a week.

i started to cry.

he talked more about what he did and why he did it. we were both crying soon enough.

"and tyler," dr. shaw said. "how does that make you feel?"

"l-like i'm not worthless. l-like i'm not good enough for him. w-which i already knew before, but..."

"josh, do you believe tyler is either of those things?"

"n-no. not at all. i never have and i never will."

"how come?"

"h-he's absolutely perfect. he's the sweetest, most thoughtful boy on the planet. he's so kind and smart and funny. and i mean, just look at him. he's beautiful, isn't he? absolutely stunning. i fell in love with him as soon as i laid eyes on him. and as soon as i started to get to know him, i knew there was no one who could ever be as incredible as he is."

"tyler, do you believe josh is anything he has claimed he is?"

"no."

"why?"

"he's just... amazing. he always knows what to say or do to make me feel better. he's so romantic and kind and gentle. and his goofy smile makes me fall in love with him all over again every time i see it. he's so thoughtful a-and i just love everything about him."

we talked for about thirty minutes more, and our time was up.

"i have a challenge for you two until next time i see you. are you up for it?"

we both nodded.

"every day, do at least five things to show the other that you love him. i'm sure you aren't ready for physical contact yet, and that is perfectly okay. words and actions speak volumes."

"o-ok," i said.

josh nodded. "alright."

we shook dr. shaw's hand and scheduled our next appointment for next week.

we then walked out to the car and went back home.

when we pulled up, josh immediately hopped out and ran to my side to open my door for me. he also ran ahead to open the door to the house, as well.

"thank you," i said.

"of course," he responded.

i made him coffee while he went to change into more comfortable clothes. he doesn't like cream or sugar.

i sat the cup on his bedside table before i left to go sit in the living room and watch tv. i received a text.

josh💍: thank you for the coffee, love. it's perfect. just like you.

tyler💍: let me know if you need anything else.

josh💍: thanks, baby.

i'm still not sure if we're engaged anymore, though. i still wear my ring. but he isn't wearing his.

after a little while of sitting alone, i couldn't take it.

tyler💍: fight club is on, if you'd like to come watch.

josh💍: will my favorite tyler be there?

tyler💍: his scene isn't on yet. i'll text you when it is.

josh💍: not the character, baby. i meant you. you're my favorite tyler.

tyler💍: oh

josh💍: i'll be there in a second, honey.

five minutes later, josh came out holding a bunch of fluffy blankets. all the ones that we deemed our 'snuggle blankets.'

"i-i thought you might be a little cold," he said, setting them down next to me.

"t-thank you," i said quietly.

he sat down on the opposite side of the couch, watching the movie with what i could tell was lack of focus.

"i-i deleted his number," he said quietly.

"o-oh," i said. "o-ok."

"it's never going to happen again."

"o-ok."

"promise."

he had made that promise before.

but something tells me he's going to keep it this time.

-tyler