The Notebook//Joshler

April 1

i woke up today praying that this was some sort of sick april fools joke.

but it wasn't.

it was my new reality.

jenna came in carrying breakfast for me, and i thanked her repeatedly.

"i have great news," she said. "i talked to the head doctor, and she said you can be strictly my patient! we get to be together all day!"

i was her only patient.

she asked for me to be her only patient.

she cares.

"oh, wow! that's great," i said, trying to hide the fact that i missed joshua so dearly.

"so, how did you sleep?" she asked.

"not that great. h-he came six times, but that's a lot less than normal."

"alright," she said calmly, writing something down on her clipboard.

she didn't really seem phased by it at all. she didn't freak out like i would have expected her to. it was quite nice receiving a calmness in response.

"i have your schedule," she said. "would you like to hear it?"

"y-yes," i said.

"ok, so every sunday, tuesday, thursday, and saturday, you'll have individual therapy. every monday and wednesday, you'll have group therapy, and friday's are completely free, so josh can come and visit you then," she explained. "but, if you show up to all of your classes the first few weeks, i might be able to get permission for you two to send letters back and forth that don't have to be read by anyone so you can say absolutely anything."

"really?!" i exclaimed. "oh, that would mean the world to me."

she smiled and nodded. "all you have to do is show up to therapy. group is from 10am-11am and individual is 3pm-5pm. and other than that and lunch once a week, you can stay in here and we can talk about our wonderful fiancé's," she smiled.

i smiled and blushed, nodding my head.

"alright, it's monday, so you have group," she said gently.

i started to hyperventilate.

"ty, hey..." she said, taking my hands. "it's ok. you're ok. you'll be perfectly fine. i'll be in there with you since it's your first session."

i sniffled and nodded, getting dressed and slipping a photo of josh and i into my pocket before walking with jenna the room group therapy was held in.

i sat down and she sat right next to me.

other patients trickled in, and there were ten of us in total, including jenna and the therapist.

"welcome, everyone," the therapist smiled. "i'm dr.philips, but you can call me laney. let's all start out by introducing ourselves with our name, age, and something we love."

i went third. i stood up shakily and looked at jenna the whole time.

"i-i'm tyler joseph. i-i'm nineteen. a-and i-i love my fiancé," i said quietly before quickly sitting down.

everyone 'awed.'

i just want joshua here.

today we introduced why we were here, and laney explained how much healthier it is to express your feelings than to bottle them up.

"t-there's this man," i said shakily. "h-his name is blurryface a-and he knows all of my insecurities because he is all of my insecurities. h-he says t-that he's going to kill josh, b-but if i just kill myself, he'll leave him alone," i sniffled. "b-but whenever i'm with josh or josh's family, blurry i-is gone. b-but as soon as josh leaves, b-blurry is back a-and taunting me with his deep voice, yelling at me to just carry out the plan i had made a few years ago..."

after therapy, jenna walked me back to my room and sat with me. "i'm so so so proud of you, tyler," she said. "i've never heard someone be so open in group therapy. especially on their first day..."

i just sniffled. "w-why am i here?"

"because of blurry," she said. "even though you know he isn't real, you still enter these episodes where you believe he is."

"b-but he goes away when i'm with josh," i reasoned. "and i'm always going to be with josh."

"well, when you guys get married and start out on your own, you'll both be away from each other while at work," she said. "you need to be able to handle everything on your own regardless of when it stops due to certain people or places."

i nodded and sighed, leaning back and holding a photo in my hands of me and josh.

i was exhausted.

i miss my joshua.

i wonder what he's doing right now.

-tyler