The Notebook//Joshler

March 29

today, josh and i laid in bed, acting like we were finally married.

we'd call each other 'hubby' and pretend our engagement rings were representing our marriage.

but, then, we both started to cry. because that might not be a reality some day. it's still a complete toss up on whether or not gay marriage is going to be legalized.

we told each other that we didn't need a paper to say we loved one another.

we snuggled and cuddled in various positions, but the one i liked best was when we were both on our sides facing each other, our noses touching as he looked into one another's eyes and shared a kiss every few minutes.

then, night fell, and the two of us, in a huge bed with silk sheets, rose petals scattered around, us definitely giving the idea that something would happen.

and something did happen.

he held himself over me at first, but then i rolled over so i was on top of him. i mumbled sweet nothings against his chest as i kissed it.

"you have captured my heart," i said quietly as i kissed his lips.

"and you," he said, his arms wrapping around my waist as he kissed me back. "are an angel sent from heaven."

"i am honored to be loved by you," i said as i looked up at him.

"you are my endless melody," he said softly, kissing my forehead.

we sat up and i moved into his lap, both of us completely naked. i had my legs wrapped around his waist as looked into each other's eyes.

"i want to do incredible things with you," i said.

"and i wish to do the same with you," he replied, kissing my forehead.

"you know i still get butterflies when you text me asking if you can take me out," i giggled.

josh blushed and giggled too, kissing my nose. "it's ok. i still get nervous asking."

"you're the best thing that could have ever happened to me," i said completely seriously.

josh gently caressed my cheekbone with his thumb. "i didn't think someone as perfect as you could ever exist. let alone be my soulmate."

"j-josh, i-i need to tell you something," i said shakily.

"what is it, baby?" he asked, obviously nervous by my worried appearance.

"i-if y-you hadn't kissed me t-the night that you did," i said shakily. "i-i wouldn't be here."

"i'm sure we would've gotten closer another way, ty-"

"no, josh. n-not like that. i wouldn't be alive anymore," i said, looking up into his eyes. "i-i was going to end it all after the new years party. n-nobody loved me a-and i only went to the party because i though m-maybe you would be there a-and i'd get one final glance at the big i had been crushing on for three years before i left," i cried.

"tyler..." he said, tears in his own eyes. he gently took my hands and kissed my knuckles.

"a-and a-as long as i was with you, i-i felt how a normal person should feel. b-but when y-you were gone, i-i went back to creating a plan," i sniffled. "a-and t-that's why i'm so clingy a-and i'm so sorry j-just i cant be without you, josh," i cried. "h-he's always watching me a-and s-saying he's going to hurt me or you a-and that he'll leave y-you alone if i just die already..."

"whoa whoa whoa, who? who's telling you this stuff?" he asked.

"blurryface," i sobbed.

after i explained it to him, joshie said that blurry isn't real.

but he just seems so real.

josh said he's going to take me to see a therapist tomorrow. i'm really nervous, but he said he'll be with me the entire time and he won't let go of my hand.

i hope he's telling the truth.

-tyler