The Notebook//Joshler

May 12

today i did josh's laundry for him, remembering how much he hates it.

"oh," he said as i handed him the large stack of clean clothes. "t-thank you."

i nodded and returned to my room, turning on the tv and starting to sketch.

about an hour later, josh came into my room and sat down on the end of my bed.

"what are we, tyler?" he asked.

i sighed and shrugged. "i thought we were engaged but the absence of your ring conveys otherwise."

"i don't deserve to wear that, tyler."

"because i didn't spend nearly as much on it as you did mine? i'm sorry, josh. just i can't afford much of anything. you know that. i spent the last of my money on it. i'll buy you a better one some day."

"what is it with you and your financial status lately? you know that's never been a problem to me..."

i shrugged and sniffled, setting my sketchbook down and turning on my side.

josh crawled up closer to me, sitting right behind me.

"talk to me, ty..."

i just pulled the blankets up over my head, hiding my face.

"would you like me to lay down with you?" he asked.

i nodded, and he did just that.

we were spooning, just like we used to, except he wasn't kissing me like he used to. he wasn't holding me as tightly. he was cold.

i cried softly, and i think he was doing the same.

we were two kids just wishing the circumstances were different.

"are we still engaged?" i asked quietly.

josh pulled me closer, his nose to the back of my neck. "if you'd like to be."

"i'd like to be."

"then we're engaged."

"i-i'm gonna go see if i can find a different ring," i said, starting to get out of bed.

"the ring you got is absolutely perfect, ty, ok? i'm gonna go put it on right now."

and so he went and got his ring, sliding it on and returning to my room. i was sitting on the edge of the bed, tears lightly rolling down my cheeks.

he walked in and sighed, standing in front of me and holding out his hands. i took them and looked up at him, and he kissed my forehead.

"can i take you out tomorrow?" he asked.

i sniffled and nodded.

he smiled slightly and kissed my knuckles, looking up at me as a way to ask if he could kiss my lips.

i thought a moment but then nodded.

he slowly leaned forward, his lips pressing against mine softly as he gently squeezed my hands.

he cupped my chin and looked into my eyes before pulling back. "you should get some sleep," he said.

"w-will you stay with me?" i asked quietly.

"always," he said, sliding off his shoes and crawling into bed with me so we were cuddling.

"i-i um... i'm sorry i didn't believe you loved me," i said quietly.

"don't apologize, ty. there's no excuse for cheating. it's all me that got us in this situation. promise."

a hugged him tightly and buried my nose in his neck, holding his free hand.

"do you believe that i love you now?" he asked.

i nodded. "even after everything, yes."

he kissed my cheek and sighed. "i wish my family still loved me."

"they do. i promise. just, they're frustrated. but i've talked to them and told them you own up to it and you're doing everything you can to get better."

josh nodded and sniffled, hugging me tighter. "you know that... just because i did that stuff... it doesn't mean that it didn't mean the world to me when we did it, right?"

i just shifted. "i-i don't wanna talk about it."

"o-ok. i-i love you, ty. a lot. sleep well."

"love you too," i said, squeezing his hand lightly before falling asleep.

but i don't think us having sex will ever be the same again.

-tyler