The Notebook//Joshler

May 11

i woke up early today and placed a love letter and flowers in josh's car for him to find on his way to class.

josh💍: thank you so so so much for the flowers and sweet note, baby. it really means a lot. i'll see you when i get home.

tyler💍: ok

josh💍: i love you.

tyler💍: i love you too

josh💍: can't wait to see you tonight.

tyler💍: ok

josh💍: how about i make you dinner?

tyler💍: it's ok. you don't have to.

josh💍: i want to, baby.

tyler💍: ok. i'll go to the store and get everything. what will you need?

josh💍: i'll do it, honey. just relax.

tyler💍: ok.

josh💍: class is starting. i love you, baby. i'll talk to you as soon as i can.

tyler💍: i love you too.

josh💍: bye, my love x

josh returned home later and tried to make me spaghetti, but he ended up burning it. he was getting frustrated and was being very hard on himself, so i decided i would take over.

"i-i'm sorry," he said, his face red in embarrassment. "i-i was gonna try and make it about you tonight..."

"it's ok," i said, handing him a cup of tea. "just go lay down and relax."

"i-i'm gonna stay with you," he said.

i nodded and continued to cook.

he sipped his tea and sat on the counter. "is there anything i can help you with?"

"no. i think it's going ok, thanks."

"h-how was your day?"

i shrugged, putting the garlic bread in the oven. "ok i guess."

"what would make it a better than ok day?" josh asked.

i shrugged again, draining the water from the pasta. "i dunno."

"do you want anything for dessert? i-i can go pick up some crepes from the cafe..."

"i'm ok. thank you, though."

i haven't really been eating much since this all started. i just don't see a point in it.

"are you excited for summer?" he asked, just trying to make conversation.

i shrugged yet again. "i dunno. i don't really do much for it."

"would you wanna do something with me?"

i nodded, putting a bit of everything onto a plate and handing it to josh.

"w-where's your plate, baby?"

"i-i'm not hungry."

"you've gotta eat, honey. and i'm certainly not allowing you to cook dinner for just me."

i shrugged.

he handed me a plate with a bit of salad, pasta, and bread on it. i forced myself to eat it.

i still felt horribly for causing his panic attack.

i think he realized that too.

"ty, baby," he said as i started to walk to my room. "you do realize that you're not the one who's messed everything up, right?"

i just kind of shrugged. i then turned and kept walking.

he sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, leaning against the wall. "you fucked up, josh," he muttered to himself. "you really, really fucked up."

i crawled into bed and laid down, just thinking for a little while.

eventually, there was a voice outside my door.

"thank you for dinner, ty. i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way i planned. maybe you could teach me sometime."

it went quiet.

"i-i love you," he said quietly.

and then he was gone.

my bed is cold.

the voices in my head are loud.

i'm just so lonely.

i need josh back here with me.

how it's supposed to be.

-tyler