A Ruby's Shine (Thorin Oakenshield X OC)

134. Hiding Numbness

It feels selfish of me to give up on Vecaleen, guilt riddled through me at feeling selfish. I should be trying to find the remains of my people after what I have done to them, but I am too wracked by grief in the revelation of such knowledge, I am not ready yet to go to Vecaleen and see what has become for the place I was born.

Normally such weakness would anger me, but now I have others around me to trust with such weakness and to lean on in my moments of faltering steps. Thorin and the company will be there for me as family, as friends, and I can trust them now with the true vulnerability I hide under my many walls.

"Thank you, Gandalf." I whispered quietly, gratefully. I glanced at Gandalf from under the fur hood of Thorin's cloak and saw Gandalf's eyes widen as he looked at me in shock, amusement curling through me for a moment before being crushed by the somber, brooding air in which I have taken recently.

"For what reason are you thanking me, my dear Philomena? I have kept your past from you all these years you have searched." Gandalf pointed out as I closed my eyes and opened them, reaching up to spin Thorin's ring on my necklace as the first genuine smile since the end of the battle rose on my face, as fragile as the smile is.

"You may have kept the secret of my birth family from me, but you also lead me to finding where I truly belong and, for that? I was always be grateful." I said in a slightly better voice, my vocal cords protesting speaking above a whisper as I let the true happiness and gratefulness in my voice show as I looked up at Gandalf from my hunched over position to see such relief and hope in his eyes.

"I should not ask this of you after keeping such a secret from you, but all I ask Philomena is that you do not leave Erebor alone. Truth of what you are will spread far and wide and I fear for your health of those that followed Azog learn of your part in his demise." Gandalf said as I sighed and closed my eyes, clutching onto Thorin's ring on my neck tightly as I understood what Gandalf meant.

"I know, Gandalf, I know of the risk now... I knew the risk even before the battle. I... I planned to do it if things went wrong." I whispered. Both Erebor and Dale were buzzing with questions about the army of animals that saved them last minute. I have heard from passing dwarves who spoke of bears tackling orcs, moose charging head on into them, and a large cougar jumping up at the necks of war beasts, forcefully bringing the war beast to the ground. Everyone knows it's Novu now, and many are weary of the small hall just off the entrance of Erebor she claimed as her own. There wasn't anything in there so I didn't see any reason to stop her...

And she is my last living connection to my past. Novu... was to my father like I was with Fa... with my raven. My father asked the cougar to keep me safe and, unknowingly to me, she has followed me all these years in Middle-Earth. It was never Fair- my raven that brought those travelers to my aid, Novu scared them towards me, to help me. So much makes sense now, how I survived some situations that, at that time, I knew I never should have been able to. I remember that freezing winter that I had no money to buy furs, no money to get food, and slept curled up under the roots of a tree only to wake the next morning to a fresh kill of deer. I ate some of that venison before taking the deer to the nearest village to sell it's antlers for winter furs.

If only I had known that, in all that time of searching, a part of my family was right there, following me, protecting me. I am grateful to the cougar and, if I must, I will convince Thorin to let Novu keep that small hall and help her turn it into her own den. She deserves it and more. Hopefully she doesn't leave but I don't hold any special bond with her like I did... my raven, so I fear she may eventually leave. But, for now, I will enjoy the puma's company as the only living connection to my family left.

Gandalf sighed and patted my shoulder gently before the wizard stood and walked down the steps off of the ramparts as I sat up once more, rolling Thorin's ring around on the chain as I stared out over the battlefield, brooding and lost in century old memories, as I have been doing for days.