A Ruby's Shine (Thorin Oakenshield X OC)

94. Alone

I fell against the wall, the torch in my hand falling, the clunking noise of it as it fell down the steps farther and farther until it was out of sight was all I could hear before I was plunged into darkness. I found this place among the forge area. I don't know if it was part of the mines I still haven't found, but it is the last place the dwarves would think to look for me. They would expect me to be trying to leave Erebor, not going farther into it.

I curled up against the wall of rock behind me, sniffing and glaring out angrily into the nothingness of the darkness around me. I am enraged at myself, for showing such a weak and pathetic emotions in front of everyone, showing them through my tears that I felt weak, that I felt helpless.

I angrily wiped my cheek, flinging the tears out over the cavern below, enraged that they poured from my eyes against my will. I don't like this feeling, I don't want it, I want it to go away, but I know it won't It festered and curled around my heart, squeezing it tightly like a boa constrictor, making me curl even more in on myself, blocking out the outside world to make it stop.

It was such a whirlwind of emotion that I could not fight, I could not get rid of. I couldn't even name half of it because I have never felt such emotions as strong as these. I grieved for the Thorin I knew, I felt pain for the look my actions put on his face and anger for the fact that I could still see that dark coldness lurking there in his eyes. I felt... fear for the dark, cold rage and hate that shone in his eyes that usually looked at me with such softness. I knew, as much as I hated it, that Thorin could very easily overpower me in a fight. For one, he is a dwarf and they are quite strong and tough in comparison to me. For another, he was trained since birth on fighting and, while I was trained among the elves, I have seen more than once that, if he really wished to, he could overpower me in a fight with ease.

Before it didn't bother me, because he respected my abilities to fight and even saw me as a warrior, which I appreciated. He pushed my limits when training but never let me feel like I was weaker or less of a fighter than him. But now... now that he isn't Thorin, I have to face the truth that, if he does truly get enraged at me at some point, even more so than he did a moment ago...

He could hurt me. I never fear a fight, even with Smaug, though I did fear the giant beast, it was not fear that I let could my judgement. With Thorin, however... Thorin found a way that on one else ever has to drag down my protectively raised walls of anger and rage. He did not judge me for the person hiding beneath those raised walls, he only seemed to love me even more...

But now...

Now he isn't Thorin.

I wiped up my nose with a piece of cloth I stole, snacking my head back against the rocks as I closed my eyes tight, fighting against the pain and grief that wished to escape me, the heartbreak so strong I was drowning in it. How can people fall in love only to deal with this? This agony? And why does it have to hurt so Valar damned much?

I thought, for a moment there, in Laketown... that maybe I had found my place in the world, found where I belong. I thought I had found a family, a family, not by blood, but by care and love. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur... they treated me so kindly, like a sister of their own they never had. Fili and Kili treated me like a Best Friend and reminded me so much of the relationship I shared with Elladan and Elrohir growing up. Ori I saw like the younger brother I never had, I saved him a few times and was always kind and sweet to the shy and easily scared dwarf.

Balin became like the grandfather I never knew I needed, his wise words and care for my safety made me feel better, knowing that even Balin, who is definitely Thorin's closest advisor, would also care for me. Dwalin even seems particularly protective of me, but I wonder if that is because I am... I was, the one Thorin was courting.