A Ruby's Shine (Thorin Oakenshield X OC)

48. Courting

I think I shocked everyone the next day, sitting at the table and quietly eating my food, not growling or glaring or hissing at a single member at the table. Bofur and Bombur spoke to me and were happy to see me nod or shake my head to some of their questions on my travels, though I didn't speak. Everyone seemed tense at the table, but relaxed as they watched me listen to Bofur speak of some of his experiences in pubs with a light smile on my face.

After breakfast, I did not ask a single dwarf for a spar, or stomp around, or go and destroy that tree more. No, for a good long while I just sat in the far corner that I claimed as my own, petting Fairfin and feeling the soft kitten fur of his new little friends, all four of them were patchy in colors of gold, white, and black, and my meowed up at me as I petted them.

Unconsciously, I was feeling their emotions and forgetting my own, their innocent emotions of being so young were soothing and peaceful. But it was also drawing the attention of other creatures, a few goats in the house looking up from their food and seeming to plan to come over. Falin crowed loudly at all of them though, even shocking a few dwarves. But, at least it pervested any unwanted animal visitors blowing up my most protected secret. I petted Fairfin in thanks, cutting up an apple I plucked from the tree, feeding a few small pieces to Fairfin, who loves his fruits and berries. He sure has been eating good in this house, there are a lot of mice.

Finally, a little after lunch, I stood and walked outside, enjoying the nature around me and the clean air, sighing. I had not realised just how tense I have been these past few day, pushing everything away and just releasing my frustrations.

I hate it, but I came to see that Balin is right. I have rejection issues... I lost my parents and I have no idea if they died or abandoned me for being weird. I have never found another person like me and there are very few people who I have met that accept what I do. I never made a friend in my travels, merely acquaintances and I live far longer than they did, by the time I would return, they were older and having forgotten me or moved on.

So I see now, a weakness I never wanted to admit to having. Fear of rejection, of loss. The only one I ever opened up to fully was Fairfin, but he is more like a young brother or a child to me. I raised him, feed him, trained him, took care of him. That is different, because Fairfin needed me and I was unwilling to give him away, wondering if he died for years on end. And I still fear, so strongly fear, losing Fairfin.

Fairfin followed me outside and then look off into the trees, making my smile softly as I heard the white raven's distinct croak sounding off among other birds as he socialized. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of white wings fluttering through the trees.

I laid down in the meadow, hands behind my head and one leg bent as I stared up at the rolling clouds, whistling out tunes to the birds and smiling as I heard them sing along before the rhythm became disjointed. So lost in my thoughts and the peacefulness of the atmosphere that I hardly felt the prickling sensation of a small animal scurrying away in fear.

I whistled out another happy tune, hearing the birds echo it before chattering amongst each other, the rhythm fading away. I noticed that it was about time for our usual spar, so I wasn't too surprised he is here. I listened to his footsteps as he approached before stopping a distance away as I whistled out an tune again, the bird taking up the song and singing out along to the tune before it faded.

Thorin waited until the tune became disjointed before speaking.

"Hello, Philomena." Thorin said in a guarded, cautious voice. Ouch, I guess my attitude affected more than just the other dwarves, clearly my out of control temper affected Thorin too. I felt awful about that, but didn't look back at him or tense at all, just continued to watch the clouds before speaking.