A Ruby's Shine (Thorin Oakenshield X OC)

110. Under Pressure

Philomena's POV

I sat on my pony next to Gandalf, staring straight forward blankly, Fairfin sitting on my shoulder. I felt Gandalf glance at my blank and emotionless face many times but I never gave away what I was feeling. Yet, Fairfin may as well have spoken to how I felt, the white raven was sitting on the pony's mane, staring at me with his feathers wilted, eyes full of worry. I could feel him nudge at me with his emotions in an attempt to get me to respond but I ignored it and remained silent, emotionless.

Because, I knew, if I even try speaking right now... I will break down into pieces in front of people and my pride will not allow that. So I continued to look forward, continued to hold it all in and remain emotionless to the world.

I... I expected Thorin to yell, I expected Thorin to threaten me, throwing me in the dungeons, or, at the worst, try and kill me. I did not expect, however, to see the Thorin I love come through as I fought to finish my plan. I did not expect to see him fall to his knees, or the pain in his eyes. I closed my eyes tight, pulling my hood up higher to hide the redness of my eyes as I let the pony steer me to Dale. Thorin has... Thorin has flipped a coin like this before, so I am not hopeful it stuck, I am not hopeful that my plan worked...

We rode silently into the gates, Gandalf at the lead as I kept my eyes on the pony's mane, pain ripping through my heart as my mind replayed the pain in Thorin's eyes over and over again while I fought off thinking of the part that just about broke me. I realized how silent the courtyard was, could feel the eyes of many people on me as I pushed my hood off, my crazy hair hiding the slight redness to my eyes as I avoided looking at anyone.

Gandalf puled his horse to a stop in the center of the courtyard as I pulled my pony to a stop, Fairfin hopping off the pony's mane and onto my shoulder as I got off of the pony's back and stood, looking up to see Thranduil, Bard, and Bilbo waiting. I was happy Thranduil kept his word in ensuring Bilbo stayed here and that Bilbo kept his promise to me. I didn't meet any of their eyes though as I stepped forward, Gandalf at my side. I could practically feel the worry radiating off of the wizard, but I kept my face emotionless.

"I tried. We will see if it worked." I said in a monotone voice, Bilbo looking at me with worry as I nodded to them all and walked away like I wasn't about to break down. I walked down the streets of Dale until I reached a point no one had been working on or using up the hill Dale sits on. The buildings here were in the worst of shape, only a large guard tower looked stable as I stepped inside, looking around to see the place pretty well cleared out.

I was grateful nothing is happening over here, I knew better than to return to my tent, if I did that... I will not let anyone hear me break down. I sat down in a corner of the watchtower, pulling the hood of my cloak up and holding it tightly around me. What I hid from Gandalf and even the Company is that I stopped by the room I had taken to sleeping in on my way out of Erebor and picked up the charred and beaten up cloak Thorin gave me all the way back in the goblin caves. I hid it under the one Thranduil gave me.

I curled up with my face buried in the material of the cloak, hoping to pick up that smell of pipeweed, metal, wood, that makes me think so much of Thorin, but I smelled only my own scent in the leather, Thorin's scent had long since faded. I closed my eyes tight, my mind running over and over the image of Thorin on his knees, eye wide and in pain, sword dropped so his hand could support him as he reached out pleadingly towards me with his other hand. I felt horrible for turning away, I felt guilt for ignoring his pain... But how could I trust it? Thorin did so before and then the lure of the gold went and made him flip sides so quickly I had no warning. It hurt, it felt like someone had reached in and wrapped a hand crushingly around my heart.

I am not used to pain like this, I don't know how to deal with it...

My emotions broke free, and I did something I have not done in 107 years. I sobbed.

I curled up tighter to ignore the outside world as another, and then another broke free until I was full on crying, crying like I have not done in 107 years when I learned that I am not human, nor elf, nor dwarf, nor hobbit. This. This was worse. Why did I ever let myself grow so close to Thorin, I should have known from the beginning it would end in agony... yet, at the same time, I do not regret it. I do not regret joining this adventure, I don't regret growing close to the dwarves of the company, I don't regret opening up to Thorin, falling for him, because, without all of that...

Would I ever have learned the love and care the dwarves have shown me? Would I ever have discovered the meaning of family? Because they are family, the entire company is my family and I hate to let them go but... but I know I must fight on to save lives. I will not lie and say I am not terrified of the coming battle because I am. I have fought small orc group before, but an entire army or battle bred orcs? I don't know, I don't know how to handle the responsibility that has been put on my shoulders in these resent weeks. I am not a leader! I am a wanderer, a person who travels the wilds of the world alone.

Yet, I have so many looking to me for answers. Lord Bard, the people of Dale, Bilbo, the Company... I can't take it, I don't know how to take it.

And Thorin...

I curled up even tighter as more broken sobs escaped me. I hurt him, I hurt him so much I knew that, if this worked, if it brought Thorin back from the brink of insanity... he would never forgive me. I hurt him more than I imagined I would, I thought he was too far gone to the Gold Sickness but I was wrong. I made him beg, not aloud but he did with his actions and it filled me with such pain. A proud, strong, leader like Thorin should never be forced to beg and I made him beg for me not to leave.

I sat there in that corner for who knows how long, holding the cloak close to my face in a hopes for some of Thorin's scent as I broke down crying in that corner.

I cried while writing this, wow is this painful. Do you think Thorin is completely out of the gold sickness? What will happen next? Be prepared for more heartbreaking bits... thinking about them makes me want to cry!!!! Why am I so mean to my OC? Nevermind. Bye!

EDIT: Okay, this was a harder chapter to write because I couldn't find much to add, took me forever to figure out how I wanted this to play out and I grew frustrated at it and left it alone for a few days. Still not completely pleased with how it turned out but it is better than the original chapter was. Also changed A LOT, including how Philomena reacted after speaking to Thorin, as well as adding that scene of Thorin apologizing to his Company.

Enjoy!

Original Word Count: 2,016 New Word Count: 9,613